An Open Letter to Season 7 of 24

Dearest 24,

We’re four hours in and I’ve yet to have an anxiety attack.

Let me state for the record that it took me a while to join the 24 Boat. I was skeptical of the first season, after reading the plot line of the show and not exactly sure how it would work in a post-9/11 world. It wasn’t until I managed to get S1 on DVD and watch it uninterrupted (in less than a week’s time) that I got hooked. By then, S3 was about to premiere and I skipped S2 in favor of just moving forward. (I hear I didn’t miss much, other then a cougar trap.)

Between S3 and S5, I was having multiple anxiety attacks during episodes, riding the edge of my chair and screaming at the television screen. I suppose watching such intense drama is probably not good for a person with panic/anxiety disorder but I had to know what was going to happen. If Jack Bauer would once again save the world (well, the US of A) and set everything to rights again, usually at his personal expense.

I still remember moments from S4 and S5, where I was when they took place and how they affected me. Which is a huge compliment for the cast and crew. When your show can reach beyond a screen and cause a deep reaction in someone, that’s special. You’ve broken ground, continually, and achieved a permanent place in history.

Then you gave us S6.

I admit, around the last three or four episodes I was reading the Wikipedia entries on the episodes, so I didn’t have to watch them. The excitement was waning; it got too “personal” and your attempt to give Jack a life beyond being the American Hero really took away from the purpose of the show. I’m sorry, Jack can’t have a personal life anymore. It costs too much.

(I would like to state that I pretty much hated S6. You let me down, guys. Just being honest.)

Then you had a year off.

Last night, S7 premiered.

The end of S4 saw you kill Jack before our eyes, only to have him resurrected by his only “family” then smuggled out to try and put together a new life. The opening shot of S5, literally, was the assassination of ex-prez Palmer. I honestly fell out of my chair when that happened. S6? Jack ripped out a guy’s throat with his teeth and a nuclear bomb exploded in the vicinity of Los Angeles! Not to mention you made the bad guy Jack’s own father!

S7 didn’t even come close to any of this.

I’m sure the biggest surprise… oh look! Tony Almedia isn’t dead, even if the how/why was explained away so very vaguely I laughed. Dead for ‘ten minutes’? No way…. wasn’t much of a surprise in the end. Unfortunately, and I don’t know if this is because it was talked about too much in the press, shown in the season’s trailers, or if it was crammed too heavily into the first four hours, but the “surprise” part of said surprise was sucked right out.

Then the whole twist of CTU becoming a “shadow” group consisting solely of Bill and Chloe working under-cover and Tony actually working with them, yadda yadda yadda? I had that figured out the minute he wouldn’t speak to Jack at the end of Hour 2. And then Jack busting him out of FBI Headquarters and joining forces to get himself into the terrorist cell with Tony? Also figured that out. Does this mean I can get a job writing episodes since I seem to guess your next move before it happens?

It seems to be a problem with television these days. All the good ideas have been used up. Or beaten to pulp with a dead horse. I mean, even you guys know you used the nuclear bomb threat one time too many. Thank you for deleting that plot device. Now it seems everything is about OMG GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION (which, actually, is probably way true…if you read any of the news these days) not to mention people hacking into databases and through firewalls and controlling systems. Yawn.

And then, as it’s become standard, Jack trying to redeem himself in some fashion, repent if you will, by doing “good deeds”.

Is the saying not “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions”?

I waited to write this post until I viewed the four-hour premiere, in the hopes that in the last two hours you might finally grab me back.

I’m really torn.

When Jack and Tony were busting out and kicking ass like the old days, a thrill went through me. Nothing like a little good ol’ fashioned violence in the name of justice. Jack driving a hot-wired car through a concrete wall? Loved it. Jack putting his fist into the face of Larry Moss? I prayed for that! Believe me, I cheered loudly when he did.

But the rest? Felt almost half-hearted. Like, “here we go again Jack, but not as exciting this time. Sorry!”

I don’t know what it is that’s causing this feeling of being let down. I don’t think it was the delay in seasons; if anything, that should have given you plenty of time to get really freaking creative. But instead, we get whiny and/or sarcastic FBI agents who I feel no empathy towards. A female president with a really stupid husband who is going to completely ruin her administration because he’s “obsessed” with “uncovering the truth”. A female FBI agent who suddenly starts resorting to Jack Bauer-esque methods of getting results after expressly forbidding him to do the same thing yet asking him how far he would go. So many “bad guys” in one story line that even I, being incredibly detail-oriented, am getting confused. Some plot about the president’s son “committing suicide”, that wasn’t addressed in any way, shape, or form between the movie 24: Redemption and S7, suddenly dropped in our laps as some OMG HUGE CONSPIRACY!11! yet we can barely remember the whole plot about the kid who was friends with him coming into a fraud cover-up and sending said files to said president’s son on the day of his mother’s inauguration. (Oh wait, there’s my penchant for details coming out.)

(An aside: I swear to god right now in this post that if you make Renee Walker A) Jack’s “love interest” or B) a female version of Jack I WILL QUIT WATCHING! Knock that shit off already! We already had Nina, people! And Audrey Raines! You can’t save the world and date at the same time. And NO ONE can be Jack Bauer but Jack Bauer.)

Honestly, I’m trying desperately to cling to perspective and say “but we’re only 4 hours in!” and tell myself S7 might live up to the whole “Redemption” bit. So far, not really. There have been glimmers of hope between 8am and 12pm, but they were fleeting.

Please don’t let me down, Jack. I’m counting on you.

Sincerely,
a 24 Fan

Lost Boys: The Tribe — A fan’s perspective

This review will come in two parts.

Lost Boys: The Tribe as a stand-alone movie.
When viewed as your average “new millennium” horror film, it certainly fits the mold of the straight-to-DVD horror flicks that are being churned out of Hollywood, especially ever since Saw came out. Cookie-cutter plots, gore, sex, the basic package.

We have two young-adult-aged siblings forced to move to a new town, looking for friends. The friends they happen to find are the un-dead monsters who are terrorizing the local population. Sister falls for leader, brother marches in with backup to save her, slayings ensue. Happy ending!

Nothing exciting, nothing terribly creative.

One problem was the location used for Luna Bay. I know there’s mountains in California. But in the area that the movie is supposedly set in, you certainly wouldn’t look up and see a HUGE SNOW-COVERED MOUNTAIN RANGE in the background. Um, what the hell?! There’s a big mistake caught right on camera! The shots of Luna Bay itself were okay, although they looked more like a mix between Vancouver and the Oregon coast then the fake “California” town.

Another problem was acting. Very few of the performers made you like their characters or acted in believable ways. I’m not sure if this is because most of them are relative newcomers or what. (I’ll get into the script in the next section.) It was inconsistent at best. I do have to say that the boys playing the Tribe vampires did make me hate them and if that was their goal to be total assholes, then you guys accomplished that!

Overall, this is a movie I’d never watch more than once in my life. It’s not memorable in horror movie history at all. The only thing that will ever bring this any attention is the fact it is tied to The Lost Boys.

Which brings me to the second half of my review.

–

Lost Boys: The Tribe and The Lost Boys
Here’s where it gets interesting.

With so many ideas floating around as to how to make a sequel to the 1987 classic, with so many options, the filmmakers decided to make a near-carbon-copy movie. I can hear people arguing with me already but hear me out.

The original’s story: Two brothers and their mom move to a coastal town. The kids have been uprooted and immediately seek out new friends. Older brother falls for a girl. Girl leads him to a pack of vampires who bring him into their gang. Older brother realizes his mistake. Younger brother befriends another pair of brothers who help him and older brother take on the pack of vampires, as well as the head vampire, a climactic fight follows, humans come out champions. Happy ending!

The sequel’s story: Two siblings move to a coastal town. They immediately seek out new friends. Younger female sibling falls for guy who just happens to be the head vampire in a vampire gang. Siblings realize mistake. Brother seeks out help from vampire hunter guy and together all three battle the vampires, with the humans coming out winners. Happy ending!

See? What’s the damn difference?!

I’ll tell you. When Lost Boys: The Tribe tries to link itself to the original film, it becomes a seething mass of confusion. There is no perfect balance of new story with ties to the old. To even fully understand the movie you needed to buy the comic book series Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs to find out what happened in the 20-year gap between The Lost Boys and Lost Boys: The Tribe.

If you didn’t, I’ll fill you in now.

The comics begin roughly two years after The Lost Boys. It is revealed that the Frog Brothers, Edgar and Alan, have gone on to become successful vampire hunters. Or so we are lead to believe, as Edgar is our narrator. Returning from a hunt in the nation’s capital, they are greeted by a familiar, un-dead face. David, lead vampire of the Lost Boys, is in fact NOT dead. He demands to know the whereabouts of Star and Michael. With some help from Sam Emerson, the Frogs defeat David and his fellow vamps, but not before their comic shop burns down. David disappears into the night and the Frogs begin to put pieces of the puzzle together.

It is then revealed that Sam’s Grandpa is in fact a half-vampire. He has sustained himself for years on the blood of the animals he makes into his taxidermy business. He also reveals the name of the head vampire: the Widow Johnson. Or, as all the vampires call her, the Black Widow. The Black Widow, a very successful Dominatrix, has masterminded a huge plot to trap and kill the Frog Brothers and Sam. Grandpa leads them right to her brothel (located somewhere far out of Santa Carla to avoid drawing suspicion) and lets them in. A fight between the Frogs and Sam and the female vampire nest results in Alan being made into a half-vampire.

The comics were scheduled for release to coincide with the film. But in a stunning error of stupidity, the final issue isn’t set to be released until a full month AFTER the film. Issue four holds the keys to everything: what happens to Alan, why Edgar is living in Luna Bay, how Shane (the leader of the Tribe) is created, and the basic set up for how everyone’s come to be in Lost Boys: The Tribe.

WAY TO GO, PEOPLE! HIGH-FIVE!

The only original character kept over into the sequel is Edgar Frog. For those who haven’t read the comics, it is impossible to understand what has changed him. Although, honestly, he hasn’t changed a dime since the original. He’s still a Rambo-wannabe, with the usual assorted weaponry he’s created to fight vampires when he’s not shaping surfboards.

So, let’s explain the new characters:

Chris and Nicole Emerson are never directly revealed to be the children of Star and Michael. In fact, you never hear Star and Michael mentioned by name in the film; all you hear about is how they died several years previous in a car accident. Money has run low for the siblings (explained in a minute) and they are forced to move to Luna Bay to live with their aunt Jillian.

Along the way we learn Chris was a competitive surfer who was kicked off the circuit and dropped by his sponsors after an altercation with another surfer. Chris shattered the other guy’s knee, ruining his career as well. Nicole confides that she believes Chris’ anger over losing their parents has made his temper run hot. He is extremely protective of Nicole through-out the film. We are led to believe that he misses surfing something awful.

Nicole is 17 and supposed to be a head-strong girl who doesn’t always listen to her brother. There’s not really much else to say about her, at least not yet.

After moving to town, Chris bumps into Shane Powers. Shane was also a competitive surfer who seemingly up and disappeared several years ago. Nicole mentions that Chris had a poster of Shane on his bedroom wall during high school. I have no idea what the time line on this is, so that could be anywhere from two to four years ago. Shane invites Chris to come to a party he’s throwing.

The Emerson children go to the party and we are introduced to Jon, who just happens to be the guy whose knee Chris shattered. There are also Erik and Kyle, who are your basic jock-type jackasses who have pretty rudimentary vocabularies laced with f-bombs. Nice.

Chris hooks up with Lisa, who’s character belongs in a cheesy porno then in the film. She’s a throw-away, a lure to distract Chris while Shane takes up with Nicole. A romantic relationship blossoms between the two and Chris tries to put a stop to it.

Post-party, Nicole is already a half-vampire and Edgar Frog shows up just in time to save Chris from his sister. Chris doesn’t believe Edgar when informed of what his sister has become and sends him away. Lisa returns, nearly naked, at the front door, and when she gets too aggressive, ends up impaled on a rack of antlers. Suddenly Chris is a believer and seeks out Edgar.

Do I really have to keep going?

If you were going to do a sequel, nay a continuation of the story from the original, this was not how to go about it. You can’t NOT mention characters, then have one sole survivor of the original reprise his role. The basic links to the original only exist in the last name of the two main characters and Edgar Frog. That’s IT. How the hell can you expect something to make sense on two very tiny ties?!

Adding insult to injury, you over-hype the return of not just Edgar Frog but his brother Alan and Sam Emerson. Everyone gets excited. Then they see the film. Alan is COMPLETELY missing, relegated to “deleted/alternative endings” on the bonus disc. Sam? Well, he fares a little better but not by much. The credits begin to roll then STOP mid-way, to reveal a very disturbing exchange between Sam and Edgar. Why is a Sam a vampire!? What has happened?! Why are they attacking each other?!

It’s like a one-two punch while getting stabbed in the back. Thank you so very much, P.J. Pesce.

There is really not a single character anyone can identify with, let alone feel for in Lost Boys: The Tribe. Part of this is acting but you also need characters with really strong backgrounds, ones the viewers don’t necessarily know. What made The Lost Boys work was the presence of Kiefer Sutherland’s David and the whole mystery surrounding four teenage vampires living in a cave, living the ultimate life of freedom and just happening to be cold-blooded killers. The true Lost Boys, if you will.

The vampires of the Tribe are not like that in the least. They are ham-fisted jocks and sports nuts, with too many toys and too much freedom. We are given Shane, their leader, to be the anchor. He is supposedly in control of the other three with mental telepathy and on a few occasions it is said that they do what Shane wants. That’s all well and good but it doesn’t make the leap from the screen to the viewer.

Where as Paul, Dwayne, and Marko were ultra cool, witty, and shrouded in mystery… the members of the Tribe are explained by Shane. There’s no mystery left about why he picked them. Where as the Lost Boys were very much adolescent in some ways (never-ending party attitude) the Tribe are just a bunch of Jackass wannabes who go round gutting each other for fun before turning on a video camera to record the “hilarity”.

The only vampire with any personality is Jon. And boy, I have a really hard time saying that, mainly because I don’t want to. But I am. Jon is the only vampire we really get a back story on. We know he got into a fight with Chris that resulted in his knee being shattered and his surfing career ended. We are given glimpses of the animosity he feels towards Chris and in the crude remarks he makes to Nicole. In a lot of ways he is the deputy of the Tribe; he carries out Shane’s orders. He whistles Die Fledermaus in several scenes, quotes movie lines, then goes on to mention the Rene Quinton’s experiments involving blood and seawater. He is the strongest vampire in the film, if not one of the strongest characters period. Seriously, Kyle Cassie gets a gold star in my book because really I want to hate Jon so much, and I do, but that’s the mark of great acting.

As for Kyle (Shaun Sipos) and Erik (Merwin Mondesir), their stories are simple and not worth expounding upon. Kyle is meant to be the ultimate prankster while Erik is the cold-blooded murder. They’re cardboard compared to Jon.

This leads me to Shane. Being that no one knows what happens in #4 of Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs, we are left in the dark as to what exactly are his motives for bring Chris and Nicole into the Tribe. Part of it is similar to The Lost Boys: a family one cannot lose because it is immortal. (I’ll expound on this later.) Clearly Shane knows who Chris is, in terms of their surfing careers. But why is Shane doing what he’s doing? Why is he protecting Chris from Jon and seducing Nicole to get Chris to join them? A hint comes at the end during the final battle when Shane says he’s waited for someone like Chris to come along and challenge him. Challenge him over what!?

Because I haven’t any of the answers I need, I have to write this based on what I see. And Shane is one very stupid vampire.

Unfortunately you cannot separate the character from the actor. I don’t care what is said; in some fashion Angus Sutherland got this based on his surname. What a huge boon to the film to sign the half-brother of the actor who is the immortal face of The Lost Boys! Show anyone a picture of Kiefer Sutherland as David and they instantly know what movie you’re talking about.

Sadly, Angus is not Kiefer. He shouldn’t have to be, either. He hasn’t had the same experience Kiefer has; Kiefer had eight films on his resume by the time he made The Lost Boys, let alone other acting experience. To date, Angus has had an extremely bit (less then twenty seconds on screen) part in Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay and a cameo roll playing a younger version of his father’s character on Commander In Chief clear back in 2005. There is so little information about Angus that I don’t know if he’s done anything else. (He does have another film coming out direct-to-DVD this year called Familiar Strangers.)

The first knock is lack of experience. Undoubtedly he has the Sutherland charm. It’s there and you do see it, but Angus isn’t yet able to wield it like Donald and Kiefer do. With time and more experience, sure. He’s like the ultimate conglomerate of Donald and Kiefer with his own quirks thrown in and I wanted very badly for him to be able to pull this off. In a few places he certainly did but in others… no. I would hate for Lost Boys: The Tribe to be a career killer for him. How unfair to someone with so much potential to be done in so early.

The second knock is the character. Sure, Shane is clearly in charge of the Tribe but why? What does he want? I mean I know he wants Nicole but why? And what’s with the dragon imagery? And the skull ring? Am I supposed to be focusing in on these images or what?

As a lead vampire (I won’t call him a head vampire) Shane lacks the presence and will David has. David just looked at you, with the ice blue eyes, and you fell in his thrall. Shane is teetering on the edge of that power, with his bad boy looks, but it falls flat. Where as at the end of The Lost Boys, David made a huge mistake and reacted in anger at the death of Marko by attempting to put Michael and Star in their place, Shane has a similar moment when Nicole refuses to take the final step to being a vampire. He lashes out at Chris and just when he’s about to succeed, Nicole stakes him. The ONLY moment I feel that even remotely came close to a David moment was when Shane tries to stake Nicole back with the piece protruding from his chest. That was it.

I must say the only other character with an actual background, although not really, is Chris Emerson. I have to say Tad Hilgenbrink was utterly believable as Michael’s son. Someone did his homework! Now I utterly dislike Michael and really wish David had killed him but that’s my problem. Anyway, the back story about Chris being a surfer with a hot temper and a dire need to protect his sister so he doesn’t lose her is actually convincing. Not perfect but quite convincing. A few times I actually saw Jason Patric’s Michael there on screen, or at least a character that was really his son. This is not saying everything worked overall, but still, the only character with any flesh on his bones.

Nicole is made of fail. Sorry. I was lead to believe we’re going to have a strong female protagonist who does what she wants and doesn’t take guff from anyone… no. Didn’t happen. What we really have is a typical 17 year old female who is being raised by her brother. One line that stuck out is when Nicole screams at Chris “you’re not my dad!” If you were going to make her believable, not to mention tie in the original characters, why didn’t she scream “You’re not DAD!” instead? Why does she not have the same depth of background that Chris has? When I’m looking at her overall, she’s much like her mother, Star. We don’t know who Star was before the Lost Boys swept her up yet she somehow uses Michael to regain her freedom. Nicole, unlike her mother and in the only strong moment she’s got, doesn’t rely on the menfolk to save her. We never actually see her tell Shane no; it apparently happens off screen, but the affect is enough to royally piss off Shane to the point he attacks Chris. And just when her brother is about to bite it, Nicole stakes her former lover.

Another thing. I know the whole Lilith myth. But come on. If Nicole writhing unconvincingly on top of Shane is supposed to make her strong, then I’m giving you a big fat F.

Shifting gears, from what I’m gathering from the steaming mess is that there are a few themes that are trying to be explored in the movie. The major one is family. It echos the sentiments of the first, of Sam helping Michael defeat the vampires and win the girl. In Lost Boys: The Tribe we have Chris taking one for the team, joining the bad guys and getting in on their (theoretical) good side then destroying them from within. We have Shane using Chris’ love for Nicole, his baby sister and the only family he’s got, to make him give in. Hell, we have Nicole handing Chris the flask of blood that turns him into a half-vampire.

That scene right there is what brings the Adam and Eve metaphor to light. Nicole is the sinner, bringing her brother into sin. Just like Eve gave Adam the apple and opened his eyes to the nature of sin. At the end of the battle, we see Chris and Nicole standing in a position that mimics the Adam and Eve characters on the pinball machine in the background. Truly, this metaphor is the only one that really worked.

Back to family. This theme is also explored by Edgar Frog. For the casual viewer, you know he has lost a sibling. It is implied to be at the hands of vampires but really never addressed at all. While fighting the vampires, Kyle taunts Edgar by saying “your brother is here!” Somehow that became an utter loose end left un-addressed. Since Alan’s scenes were relegated to the bonus disc, why didn’t the editor remove that line altogether? It just throws a lot of gas on the fire when it comes to the unhappiness felt by fans for being told Alan was going to BE IN THE FILM.

One of the stupidest, but semi-memorable, lines in the film is used first by Chris then Nicole: they’re “family, asshole”. Honestly, that’s the real tag line of Lost Boys: The Tribe. The fact it only half works doesn’t help much.

The string of secondary characters is short, but equally bad.

First up is Aunt Jillian. A familiar sentiment shared so far is the fact that everyone seems to think she’s the answer to Grandpa’s character in The Lost Boys. In fact she’s an anti-Grandpa. You are lead to believe she knows what Chris and Nicole are up against but in the ending (itself a shocking BAD rip off of the end of The Lost Boys!) she says she knows they’re doing drugs and won’t tolerate it. WHAT THE HELL!? In fact, every minute she’s on screen (except when she’s watching out the curtains) is like a thousand nails being driven under my fingernails! She’s horrible in terms of actual character and the actress playing her. The fact she whips out a copy of The Goonies really made it all the worse for me. And yet, we never know exactly how she’s related to Chris and Nicole. We’re told she’s their aunt and a mention of Nicole looking like her mother and that’s it.

So why now is Aunt Jillian taking pity on them? At first I was utterly confused by the location of their house in proximity to hers. It wasn’t until half way through the film I realized she was just across the yard. Way to fail on that! And another nitpick is the stupid Bluetooth headset. Why does Jillian need that?

Lisa, the female vampire that hangs with the Tribe…well… let’s just say she belongs in a bad porno then this movie. There’s absolutely no reason why this character should exist. Poorly acted. Utterly stupid lines. The only redeeming piece of this portion is her death, even if it’s an utter rip off of the original film. Honestly, if you’re looking for links to the original, the antlers are about the biggest piece you’re going to get. Wow, that’s just sad. Someone please tell Moneca Delain to get a new career path.

Evan: Yeah, creepy stalker emo boy indeed. I had hopes for this character. I really did. But it all blew up in my face at the end when he pops over the side of the bed of Edgar’s truck and asks Nicole if he can call her sometime. WHAT THE HELL?! You just spent all that time bound and gagged in a coffin, captured by vampires, nearly killed by the girl you’re pursuing, and all you want is permission to call?! BAH!!?! If this is some kind of “how the male mind works” joke, it sucked. It sucked as much as the “I didn’t know you were born-again Christians!” line.

The bum guy and the little kid in the yard: WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?! WHAT WAS THEIR PURPOSE!?

Overall, even the lines in this movie were unmemorable. Okay, I’m actually recounting them from memory but that’s because they were so unbelievably cheesy and stupid that they got stuck in there only to get made fun of. The Lost Boys was full of memorable and classic one-liners. Lost Boys: The Tribe basically stole those lines, modified them in really unoriginal ways OR stole things and directly pasted them into the script. Edgar’s speech about how vampires die? Lifted nearly word for word from the original. Hell, 3/4ths of what spews from Edgar’s mouth IS from the original.

Now I know why Edgar does that, and I understand the character, but when you look at it from a casual stance, it’s utterly dumb. It worked in the original because he was a 14 year old boy facing un-dead murders who would bite his face off as soon as look at him. It was convincing because Edgar and Alan had moments of sheer terror (the bathroom scene where they cling to one another comes to mind) yet in Lost Boys: The Tribe, we have no moment where Edgar is really made to back down. There’s one that comes close, after Chris kills Jon and Edgar arrives, wanting to know if Chris is “cool”. To which Chris grabs Edgar by the throat and makes it clear he is indeed cool.

As for the little blip that includes Sam Emerson… my god. What a waste of a fantastic scene! Although I am not, by far, a fan of either Corey there was indeed magic on the set that night. For a fifteen second scene there is so much power, so many questions, none of which will ever be answered! What a shame! I even have to say Corey Haim totally pulled that off and I felt like I was really watching Edgar and Sam, all grown up and ready to kill each other over whatever happened between them. WHY?! WHY DID YOU PEOPLE RUIN THAT FOR US!?

After writing all this, the point blank summation of my review is: As a sequel to the classic vampire film The Lost Boys, Lost Boys: The Tribe failed. It completely sucks.

A Vampiric Detour: Lost Boys The Tribe

I know it’s been a really really long time since I’ve bothered to update. Sorry. It’s life. You’ll all be happy to know I’ve parlayed my love of strange medical things into a useful career and gone back to learn insurance coding and billing in college. So far it’s paying off.

Anyway, I’m taking a detour from the usual medical craziness I normally (or would) post about to complain about something I feel I need to complain about.

See, one of my all-time favorite movies ever is The Lost Boys, a little vampire film from 1987 that sort of revolutionized vampires as we know them. Granted I was six when it was released and it wasn’t until I was eleven that I properly saw the film but as any of my friends know it’s the movie that cemented me as a vampire lover.

Over the years I’ve made friends who share my love of this movie and its characters, and we all certainly did our share of speculation on a sequel and why it could/couldn’t be made. Some of us even explored things in fanfiction. But as the years went by and Warner Bros remained silent, even with a copy of a “script” floating around the internet, hope kind of died and we just enjoyed our cult-classic film.

Until last year when the rumblings and whispers grew into a roar and the announcement was made that there was indeed a sequel and oh, it’s called Lost Boys: The Tribe.

Huh? Wait a minute…

For those of you under a rock, a brief explanation. See, Corey Feldman apparently really needs money and/or a career boost and somehow he signed on to make this atrocity. Not only Feldman but Corey Haim and Jamison Newlander as well. For those who don’t know the original film, these are Edgar and Alan Frog and Sam Emerson, respectively. Haim played Sam, brother to Jason Patric’s Michael, the “main” character of the film. He happened to be friends with the wannabe vampire slayers the Frog Brothers and now you can see where this is going.

You will note that NONE of the other main characters have signed on to reprise their roles. So no, you will not be seeing Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Alex Winter, Billy Wirth, Brooke McCarter, Chance Michael Corbitt, Edward Herrmann, or Dianne Wiest in this movie. Honestly, it would be kinda cool if Barnard “Grandpa” Hughes (RIP) showed up as a zombie.

The excuse for a story is basically set in real time — meaning 21 years have passed since the events of The Lost Boys — and as an added twist, picks up after the events of the comic book prequel Lost Boys: Reign Of Frogs which are supposed to fill in the blanks of what happened post The Lost Boys. If that made any sense.

Lost Boys: The Tribe is set in Santa Carla’s sister city of Luna Bay. Newly orphaned Chris and Nicole Emerson arrive post their parents’ deaths from a car accident to move in with their aunt Jillian. Now, it is implied that these are the children of Michael and Star from the original film. Anyway, in a parallel to their parents’ story, Nicole completely falls head over heels for local vampire Shane, who just happens to run around with three other vamps in a gang called The Tribe. (Oh, that’s original.) Chris, watching his sister turn into a “goddamn shit sucking vampire”, takes action to destroy the vampire menace with help from none other then good old Edgar Frog. Edgar, who has spent time in the trenches fighting the undead, has his own demons to battle (in the form of two people once very close to him *cough cough*) and makes surfboards to keep the cash rolling in. Got all that?

That’s about as spoiler free as I can be with that synopsis.

Oh, and the vampires this time around a “adrenaline junkies”. WTF? Bloody killing sprees ain’t enough? According the interviews, they like to surf and base jump and ride dirt bikes recklessly through coastal towns. Unlike their predecessors who just rode fancy bikes and terrorized the Boardwalk. Yeah… you got me on that one.

So. Back in March, MTV got an exclusive and released the trailer for Lost Boys: The Tribe on their website. You can find both here, plus more about the casting and other spoilers.

Another reason I’m questioning the intent of the filmmakers… see, Kiefer Sutherland played the vampire leader David in the original. Now, it just so happens he’s got a half-brother by the name of Angus Sutherland who just happens to be in his mid-twenties and, oh gee, look slightly similar to his half-brother! And guess what! He got cast as Shane, the leader of The Tribe vampires in Lost Boys: The Tribe! What a coincidence!

Granted, the guy has had all of three acting roles so far (most recently a gay model in Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay) and that’s really no way to judge what he can do so I’m having to hold my tongue on this one. But really, come on! Like we wouldn’t notice he has the same last name, the same vocal tone, and similar looks? And you just wouldn’t stoop to capitalizing on all that, right?

Moving on, it’s been quite quiet on the press front for the last few months. Everyone knows it’s going to be one of the first direct-to-DVD-releases for Warner Bros Premiere. Nope, no theatrical release, despite the pathetically valiant efforts of some weirdos online. I honestly doubt this could ever make enough to warrant a theatrical release. The Two Coreys are just not the box office draw they once were.

Instead, Warner Bros has opted to follow a viral online campaign. Oh joy. I already exhausted myself playing Trent Reznor’s ARG for Nine Inch Nails’ Year Zero. Do I really need to play another for a stupid sequel for a movie I love? I guess so.

Let us explore. (Or more, let me do it for you.)

The City of Luna Bay
Fictional website for the city of Luna Bay, California (the setting of the film.) With listings of events, links to local shops and lodging, most of which are set in real-time (ie: 2008.) Of note are:

• The Garlic Press Kitchen Gallery (Look for the director of this stupid film making a cameo as a “Garlic Salesman”. Yes, I’m serious.)

• The Big Wave Hair Salon (“Vampy. Voguish. Vixenly.”)

• Dragonlady’s Lair (“a movie store for those who only come out at night” with the note: “For the soulless, step into our Room of Blood–hidden behind the black-beaded curtain–where we keep the most horrific, the most vile, the most gory movies ever made.”)

• Bayside Antiques (“Stop in. Stay while. We promise not to bite.”)

• Rage Motorsports (The Tribe are featured heavily on motorcycles and their mechanic Marcus Sato took off for Santa Cruz and “hasn’t been seen since”.)

• Handy Hardware (“For the yard, we have a perpetually changing array of stakes. Wood, metal, plastic. We’re not sure why they fly off our shelves. Perhaps there’s a ghost in our midst.”)

• Liquid Crimson (“Drinks flow like liquid crimson–you’ll be dying for a taste. Call us what you want: Goth, dark, alternative, punk, undead–we’re here to stay. If you want to move to our rhythm, you’ll find us when the sun goes down. Don’t make us come find you.”)

• Juan Tons (“For the less daring, we offer traditional Chinese food favorites such as white rice and chow mein. Take out is available.”)

• Sweet Bites (“Follow your sweet tooth to Sweet Bites…and keep biting!”)

• Pie in the Sky Pizzeria (“So what else comes out at night? Just check the names of our pizzas. Like our Vampire pizza–don’t ask what’s in the sauce. And our Slayer’s pizza–covered in steak (not stakes!) and garlic. Eat one of these and the vampires will stay far, far away. Then our Creature from the Ocean Deep pizza, covered in anchovies, scallops, shrimp, and crab. Our Werewolf pizza will make you howl with delight, 8 different cheeses piled so thick you’ll need a mouth the size of a werewolf’s to take a bite.”)

• The Sanctuary Inn (“Opened in 1987, The Sanctuary Inn is a Bed & Breakfast at its finest, a haven for travelers seeking shelter and tranquility in the gorgeous seaside city of Luna Bay. Delve into local history by staying in this converted church–the very first church in Luna Bay! Although the church has been remodeled, guests will experience the same peace and ambiance during their stay as the earliest citizens of the city who found sanctuary here.”)

• Half Moon Hotel (“and plenty of room for a surfboard or two.”)

• Luna Bay Paranormal Investigations link. On the page is (surprise!) a biography for Edgar Frog.

Edgar Frog
Associate Member, Demonologist

“Born in Santa Carla and relocating to the outskirts of Luna Bay, Edgar Frog is our most vigilant member. He does not usually investigate cases with us unless there is suspected demon activity. He is properly equipped to deal with undead, neverdead as well as human threats. He has been in this field since his early teens and understands what is required in the face of danger. This is a calling, not a profession.

When he isn’t assisting those in need, he shapes some of the best surfboards ever to be ridden. His brand of skill is very hard to come by. He also develops technology to assist in investigations and his other work.”

It is also noted that night time tours have been canceled and several investigators are missing… plus, the links to the other organizations and museums are all 404 errors.

Clearly, Luna Bay was founded by vampires. And not only that, but also in 1987! Come on people, you think we won’t notice these not-subtle vampiric word plays?! (And the fact your websites are all coded the same way? Gee, you couldn’t shell out for just a bit of difference between the three sites?) The innuendo is so thick you have to scrape it off your shoes. I think I want to puke.

Oh, and how many more werewolf references do you need? I have this feeling they’re going to be exploring the immortal words of the Frog Bros involving “ghouls and werewolves” and city council positions. Ha! You thought I wouldn’t notice that, did you!

Or, as I give it thought, they’re going with the whole “vampires are allergic to silver” myth. Ah geez, couldn’t you invent something NEW!? (I was hoping for werewolves.)

–

California Coastal Missing Persons Foundation
A site that lists ads for missing persons. It also has a map that shows the relation of Luna Bay to Santa Carla. Geez, they list Santa Cruz on there…

You’re greeted with “Warning! Our web site has been breached. A number of missing persons have mysteriously been deleted from our database. We apologize for any inconvenience or distress this may cause. We are looking into the problem.” Huh, I wonder why? (Lord, one of the Tribe boys is a techno geek? HAHAHAHAHA!)

Clearly, after an exhausted bit of work on my part, the majority of the missing went missing in Luna Bay. (Note to whomever made this: you flubbed up on the Boardwalk’s location a time or two. Is is Santa Carla or Santa Cruz?) You can sort of trace the movements of the Tribe (*snort*) if you really look at it.

Among the missing, of note:
Trista Benjamin (“May have recently been seen at night with a group of rowdy people in Luna Bay, but this sighting has not been confirmed.”)

Kyle Bloch (One of the vampires is named Kyle)

Lisa Emerson (Went missing at the Boardwalk in Santa Carla on 12/20/1989 and if I have to point out the name…also born in 1974)

Adam Lennard (clearly the Tribe took his bike.)

Steve Whipple (“Leaving home to go surfing with friends in Luna Bay, CA.”)

There are some recent ones (as in the last three months) from Luna Bay, further setting up that the vampires are hunting there. Ooo, spooky. There’s a phone number listed (831) 425-3445 but I haven’t called it. It is also the only website of the three to offer an email address. (Note: I did Google the number and it is indeed a Santa Cruz number. Anyone who calls it, drop me a note and tell me what you get? Thanks!)

–

Frog Brothers Surf Company
The website for Edgar Frog’s surfboard company. Four types of surfboard models are shown: The Beast, The Hunter, The Predator, The Vamp.

The links page all work, except http://www.surfthewaves.org/ and http://www.surfrider.org/ Whether these are legit or not remains to be seen.

How come Edgar gets the shaft on this? If he’s got such a central role in the film, why such a undeveloped website? Or is it because he’s too busy staking nightstalker ass to hire a webmonkey?

–

In reality, I posted this here because I know it’s more like to get a lot of traffic (and attention) then anywhere else. Someone has to do the dirty work and I guess that’s me.

For those who are curious, yes I intend to see the film. Some small part inside me did get excited when the trailers were released. I attribute it to the magic and experience of the ORIGINAL film and not the sequel. I’m a sucker (pun intended) for all things Lost Boys and clearly have no qualms of shelling out (within reason) for things related to it. In the future, expect reviews to be posted not only of Lost Boys: The Tribe but as well as the four-part comic book prequel Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs.

Death Fog!

I’ve been reading Coal: A Human History by Barbara Freese. It’s a fascinating history of how humans have come to use and rely on the power generated by burning coal. It’s got a bit of an environmentalist bent to it, but I’d highly recommend it!

In my reading, Ms. Freese mentioned something about a ‘killer fog’ event in London during December of 1873. While trying to find information on this event, which is hard, I found something else:

The Killer Fog of ‘52

No, I’m not talking about The Fog or its crappy remake!

Between Dec. 5-9th 1952, London was trapped in a fog (or smog, if you will) of epic proportions. Trapped by the inversion layer formed by the dense mass of cold air, the already horrible air pollution became toxic and killed as many as 12,000 people in London.

“The lips of the dying were blue. Heavy smoking and chronic exposure to pollution had already weakened the lungs of those who fell ill during the smog. Particulates and acids in the killer brew finished the job by triggering massive inflammations. In essence, the dead had suffocated.” — NPR: The Great Fog of ‘52

Accounts of survivors in a BBC article

A bit more reading from the Met Office file on the Fog of ‘52

Fifty years later, people don’t talk much about this event. It’s become a blot in the pages of history. But its impact changed the way people saw the environment and how mankind has polluted it.

Although steps were taken to clean the air in London (and the Earth as a whole, with the Kyoto Protocol) some 20,000 in England alone suffer shortened lives each year do to air pollution.

Just imagine if this happened in Los Angeles. Or New York City. Or Chicago.

Sneakism

As I mentioned in my previous post Solidarity or Statement?, Trent Reznor was shown in the latest video for Nine Inch Nails’ newest single Survivialism wearing what is traditionally called a keffiyeh.

Due to the nature of the video being shot in black and white, you can’t honestly tell if the scarf is really black and white, or what.

Of course, give it time and a picture will show up.

There you have it. It’s actually a khaki-brown colour with the black design.

Trent’s a sneaky devil.

Solidarity or Statement?

Since the release of Nine Inch Nails’ Survivalism video, everyone’s probably noticed the scarf Trent’s wearing.

It is a Keffiyeh.

For those not familar, it is a traditional headdress worn by Arab men.

Due to the nature of the video, I can’t tell if there are colours to it, but it seems to be a black and white keffiyeh, which is common to the Levant, aka Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria and the Palestinian territories.

In other ways, the colours mean something else. The black-and-white is often associated with Fatah. The red-and-white keffiyeh is often associated with Hamas. Did Trent know that?

The thing about this, and we all know Trent Reznor is quite big on political statements lately, especially anti-Bush/anti-war as of late, is the use of this keffiyeh. See, the Urban Outfitters chain was selling keffiyeh scarves, labeling them “anti-war woven scarves”. This blog entry at KABOBfest documented the “craze”, showing American teens and trendsetters wearing the “anti-war scarves”, showing “support and solidarity to Palestine”.

Honestly, I don’t really think any single person who purchased one had any damn idea what it was/represents.

Eventually, the outcry grew loud and Urban Outfitters stopped selling them, saying (quote) “Due to the sensitive nature of this item, we will no longer offer it for sale. We apologize if we offended anyone, this was by no means our intention.”

Morons. This isn’t the first time Urban Outfitters done something idiotic.

This store sells keffiyeh with the statment: “Now, however, it has come to symbolize the Palestinian (and Iraqi) resistance to occupation and injustice, and is worn by men and women worldwide as an expression of solidarity.”

This particular article tells of a student who was dared to wear a keffiyeh through US Customs on his return from Israel.

If we take all this into context, obviously Trent was making a statement. At the end of the Survivalism video, a body with a keffiyeh is dragged around a corner, leaving a trail of blood on the floor.

Whether that was just part of his Year Zero alternative-reality game, or a statement of his views on the War On Terror/Middle East conflict remains to be seen.

In Which I Update… Sorta.

Contrary to what someone might think, I haven’t forgotten this blog.

No, it is Winter here in Oregon and my yearly depression had set in full-force. Granted this usually lasts until March or April, only to knock me on my ass around my birthday in May, then disappears into the Summer “I hate the HOT!” Blahs.

I swear to God, one time my doctor told me I would wake up one day and never not be depressed again. I think he was right.

I will not start singing “Hello darkness, my old friend”, as that is lame.

Instead I will say I honestly don’t know what to write in here. Yes, the medical articles I’ve written are extremely popular with Google searches and have brought me far more traffic than I ever expected to this lowly blog. But those are hard to do. A lot of the science I find interesting doesn’t really make for a joking atmosphere. I’ve tried to write an entry on the Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918-1919 but it’s not a fun topic.

Instead I’ve contented myself with watching Discovery Health on TLC and learning about really fucked up diseases and conditions that I want to write about but have to broach with kid gloves because they are really hard to take.

Perhaps inspiration will strike. I guess I could talk about Costocondritis. I bet no one here has heard of that.

America’s Next Cold Sore Superstar!

K-I-S-S-I-N-G is Contagious to Your Health!

–

So. It’s 2007. I’ve had this blog for a week or so now… and I’ve noticed something. The most hits I’m getting are on the Plagues, Pestilences, and Other Plights columns I did for Inside Pulse in 2005.

I must admit, I did have a lot of fun doing those. Granted, it was short-lived (less then five months, tops) and I rarely got feedback that people were reading. With WordPress, I can tell people are actually showing up!

And they’re reading mainly my articles Bring On the Clorox! (all about diseases you can catch via improperly washed towels!) and The Little Mermaid Syndrome (which is about Sirenomelia and everyone seems to be looking for Tiffany Yorks! Thank you Tiffany!) but today Plagues At the Movies! took a surge in readership.

I dunno what that says about me. Of course I am the girl who wrote a paper on Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome in order to graduate high school, even going so far to contact the medical authorities in New Mexico for information. (They were extremely helpful! Thank you!) I read medical books for fun; not the text books, mind you (damn, they’re expensive!) but books on plagues and medical disastors and historical texts about dramatic medical events in world history.

And I wonder why I can’t get a date?

Since, from the stats, the anecdotes I write about my life are just not garnering me the attention I demand need… I’ll delve back into a subject I totally dig!

The folks over at WrongDiagnosis.com have a wealth of information for you to peruse at your leisure. In fact, they helped me with many a column back in the day. Being as they were the inspiration for Bring On the Clorox! I decided to head back and see what might spark my interest for today’s topic.

Boy howdy, they haven’t failed me yet!

Did you know you can possibly catch at least five diseases from kissing?

And I’m not talking your saliva here! (Saliva you can catch at least thirteen, and that’s only including one of the ones on the kissing list!)

Let us review!

Cytomegalovirus
With such a big name, you think it’s deadly. And yeah, it is to your sex life. Cytomegalovirus is basically Herpes. A very rare form, as classified by the Office of Rare Diseases (ORD) of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). Cytomegalovirus affects less than 200,000 people in the US. (Apparently the rest of the world is anyone’s guess?)

Also known as Human herpesvirus 5 (HHV-5), Cytomegalovirus belongs to the Betaherpesvirinae subfamily of Herpesviridae. It also has one of the most stunning name meanings I’ve ever come across! Cytomegalovirus means “cell very big virus”. God, that is so deep and astute. I’m totally astounded by that definition!

Moving on. CMV (because I’m tired of typing that word) is incurable. Pretty much the standard for any virus in the Herpes family. CMV attacks the salivary glands, liver, spleen, lungs, eyes, and other organs. Once these are infected, CMV causes production of characteristically enlarged cells with intranuclear inclusions. It is also known to cause birth defects.

There can be no symptoms with CMV. Or you might feel fatigue, fever or flu-like symptoms; Lymph glands may swell or you might develop a rash.. CMV also might be discovered if you have Hepatitis, Pneumonitis, Retinitis or a Mononucleosis-like illness.

Downside, just like the fact CMV is incurable, is the fact there are no treatments. It can go dormant for periods of time but return when it damn well feels like it.

Genital warts
Aww, jeez, if you can’t figure this one out, I can’t help you.

The simple explination is they’re warts. In the genital reigon. A recognized sign of Human Papillomavirus (HPV); doesn’t mean that you have warts when you have HPV, though. Some people never show signs.

There are various methods of treatment. None of them are permanent or cures. Warts can be treated with topical creams and ointments, or some choose to have them burned and/or frozen off. (Ouch.) Or even better, lazer or surgical removal!

Gonorrhea
Seeing as I’ve already covered Neisseria gonorrhoeae before… It’s a sexually transmitted disease. If you paid attention in health class (or in sex ed, but who does during that?) you’d know “The Clap” is curable. Painful, especially since the bacteria can wreck havoc in the mouth, genital tract, and rectum. Doubly worse for a woman, who can end up with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID), infertility, or an ectopic pregnancy.

Once again, the list of 41 symptoms of Gonorrhea for those of you not paying attention last time I went over this! Treatment is still the same; a single strong dose of Ceftriaxone, Cefixime, Ciprofloxacin, or Ofloxacin.

Hepatitis C
The disease with Pamela Anderson as its poster girl is listed as something you can contract from kissing. Hepatitis C (HCV) is a blood-borne virus, transmitted through blood-to-blood contact. Now, I’m guessing this involves kissing someone with a bleeding cut or open wound… which I’m sure there are people with that fetish out there. Otherwise, why this was listed in the “contagious from kissing diseases” section is really beyond me.

There isn’t a cure for HCV but there are hundreds of clinical studies looking for one. The symptoms of HCV do not always lead you to believe you are infected. Tests can confirm it. HCV, the third of the six Hepatitis viruses, can cause liver inflammation that is mostly asymptomatic. Chronic hepatits can result in liver cirrhosis and cancer. HCV is pretty much the largest cause of liver transplants.

HIV
I’m guessing what applies to HCV applies to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). Being as this virus is transmitted through direct contact of a mucous membrane or the bloodstream with a bodily fluid containing HIV, using your mouth on other things in a “kissing” fashion (god, this is murder trying to phrase this and not get slapped with a mature content warning) is a dangerous idea with someone who is infected with HIV and/or AIDS.

Granted, you’re not likely to transmit HIV through saliva. While there are trace amounts of virus in the saliva, tears, and urine of someone who has HIV/AIDS, the concentration is negligible compared to blood, semen, vaginal fluid, preseminal fluid, or breast milk. You’d have to drink a gallon or more of an infected person’s saliva to even run an actual risk of being infected. Please do not attempt this!

The signs and symptoms of possible HIV/AIDS infection do not mean a death sentance. Advancement in treatments and clinical trials are prolonging lives and continuing the search for a cure.

ADDED BONUS FEATURE
Since I mentioned the 13 contagious transmissions from saliva, I thought I’d throw in one of them for fun!

Cold Sores
Everyone knows about these painful red blisters that show up at the most inappropriate times ever! Always on the around the mouth and nose, on the lips, and (believe me, my mother’s living proof of this) sometimes inside the nose, cold sores are caused by the Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 (HSV-1).

There is no complete all out cure for cold sores; this is a form of Herpes and there’s certainly no cure for that! There are topical medications to treat the cold sore and spead the healing. Just remember, don’t put your mouth on someone when you have a cold sore, or share drinking cups or anything else that could result in facial contact with the disease. Cold sores are indeed contagious!

So, there you have it. Six different reasons you shouldn’t put your mouth on other people. In any way, shape or form. Bet you’re all regretting that kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve now!

I don’t believe in your resolutions!

(Note: you have to sing the title like the lyric in Burn.)

So, it’s practically the 365 day of 2006. Which means it’s over.

Yay.

I can’t complain; 2006 saw many firsts for me. I moved out on my own into a condo and have successfully lived alone for just over six months now. I went to Alaska for the first time (on a cruise, which was also a first) (also got snogged in the elevator by one of the bellhops who apparently had a crush on me (unbeknownst to me) made another first) and saw icebergs and glaciers and eagles flying freely over my head. I had what was my first (and better be the last!) arm-related surgery.

There’s probably more but that’s all that’s coming to mind right now.

On the other end of the spectrum, there was a lot of chapters closed. I moved out of the parental nest (and god, I don’t want to return) and we packed up and moved my grandmother from her house of roughly 30 years (after 8 years of trying to settle my step-grandfather’s trust) and we no longer have the “family home” to go to. That was rough. If the move hadn’t been like the seventh circle of hell I might have been a lot worse off emotionally about it.

I’ll say it. I turned 25 in 2006. I’m a quarter of century old and I thought I’d be a lot farther in life (like, career, love, health, etc) but I’m not. In a way I’m okay with that, because for all my ambitions and dreams I’ve got a lot of really bad realities (ie: emotional/mental health issues) that tend to want to snuff me out. The first part of last year was spent in a really dark depression (It started in Sept ‘05 and went through March ‘06.) and while this year’s funk is honestly not as dark (there have been moments) there have been things that have snapped me out of it and made me realize it’s not as bad as it looks.

At one point or another you participate in the timeless tradition of making resolutions for the upcoming year. There’s all the standards, the ambitions, the deal makers.

I hate resolutions. I never seem to make ones I can keep. I guess because I make ones I know aren’t truly that possible in any way.

(This from a girl who’s life’s goal since kindergarten is: Marry a rock musican.)

There’s lots I would like to accomplish in 2007. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t see basic needs, like getting a job that’s not something temporary and actually has a future, overcoming my terror and learning to actually drive a car all by myself, keeping my weight down, and staying/eating healthy as “resolutions”. They’re things that need to be constant goals, something that you really have to accomplish and/or maintain, and shouldn’t find yourself sitting there as the clock winds down on 2007 realizing “oh, I screwed up again. oh well!”

Even the goals like “read more”, “watch less TV”, “take up a new hobby”, etc… those really aren’t resolutions. Well, maybe they are to someone, but I don’t know what the new year will bring, what I will find myself interested in.

(Hell, I took up knitting after wanting to learn for years, just because I had to kill the time when my dad was in the hosptial hovering between life and death for a month. Who knew I’d actually learn and be good at it? How would that have turned out if I’d made a resolution years before that happened and failed to accomplish it?)

I suppose I can make one resolution. I know I can easily keep this one!

My resolution for 2007: sleep.

Stitches

I’ve been trying to think of something to write. And a lot of my memories are more… snippets if you will. A lot of the crazy things that happen to my family are more “you had to be there”, because they just don’t translate into type.

And some of the strange things that have happened to me, I’m just not at liberty to share. C’est la vie.

–

Today was my last physical therapy session for my left arm. I have three lovely stitches popping, the kind that are supposed to dissolve and they’re quite the painful little buggers. The asisstant is not in at the doctor’s office (see, the PT clinic and my doctor are right next to each other, adjoined by a bridge over a small gully with a creek) so I can’t have them removed til Tuesday at the earliest.

This triggered a memory, which is actually more of a really long story I’ve retold several times in my life. Mainly because if you saw me today, you’d never ever know unless I told you.

–

As a child, I was the chubby kid. It comes from my father’s side, really. That and being a truly picky eater. But something you cannot predetermine is what can be controlled by exercise and what is genetics.

You know the girl. The one growing up that is already far beyond endowed then any other girl in the class, let alone the school.

Yup, that was me.

Early on in life, probably in elementary school, I heard there was a surgical procedure that could reduce the size of these things (I wasn’t fond of using the actual term at the time) and would instantly make my life a lot less hellish. I figure I was around 8 when I heard about it.

But I said nothing. I didn’t even know how to broach that subject with my mother. I mean really, how do you say, “Please take me to some doctor and have these huge pieces of flesh cut down!”

I have a condition known as costochondritis, which amounts to have a form of arthritis in the intercostal tissues that connect your ribs. As far as I can figure, it hit me full-force around 7 (that’s another story) and really flares up in times of stress. There’s no true way to understand the amount of pain unless you physically experience it. Last Christmas, for example, I thought I was having one long heart attack. (Nope, just a costochondritis attack.)

Between the ages of 14-16, these got increasinly worse. By this time, I was measured as a 44DD. Yep, a 44DD bra at the age of 14. Much to my misery, believe me.

Shortly before I turned 16, the pain of these attacks, combined with the weight on the front of my chest, was turning towards back problems. I was very much hunching over to hide myself; I would get very self-conscious about these damn weights hanging from me. Unbound by a bra, they practically went to my knees.

It certainly wasn’t my fault I was cursed with these genetics, but to feel utter disgust at your own body is a rough thing to endure.

At the doctor’s office, discussing my worsening back pain, my doctor grew quiet. “You know, there is a procedure called a ‘breast reduction’. Have you ever considered that?”

I about fell off the examine table. I nearly screamed “DO IT! DO IT NOW!” but I was a little more restrained. After years of bottling up my desire to have said procedure done, it all came pouring out of me. I think I shocked the doctor and my mother on how much I already knew.

–

The first doctor mom and I checked into was a woman who practiced on the East side of Portland. Her office looked like it had literally been lifted out of Beverly Hills and set into the some-what worn hosptial building. We were ushered into a room and I was told to strip the top half of me and pictures would be taken.

Cue confusion.

Pictures were taken, photos of previous paitients were shown, very little discussion about repercussions or what would actually be done was made. It was like she had already operated on me and was just waiting for the insurance company to cut the check.

We were shown the door, looking dazed and confused at what had just happened.

A few days later, the insurance company called the house. They were confused as to why a doctor had just filed a claim, saying I was to immediately have this procedure, stood 5′6, and was age 21.

At the time I had barely turned 16, and I stand around 5′3, in my heeled boots.

The woman doctor had attempted to lie to my insurance to get them to pay her. God only knows what kind of botched job she would have done on me. Mom immediately informed them it was all lies and we put everything on hold.

I was miserable. My dream seemed snatched away.

–

School ended for the summer. We had a funeral to attend, a woman who had been like an adoptive grandmother to me. After the service we were talking to her daughter. Somehow my problem came up.

“Oh,” she said, grinning. “You want to see Dr. Busby. He did my procedure and I’m sure he could help you. They call him ‘no-scars’.”

Hope renewed, we made an appointment. I believe it was in June. We were welcomed in to a nice, warm office. No minimalist and coldness like the other office. Shown to a room, the doctor came in and greeted us.

He discussed the procedure, why women have it done, the risks and benefits. He showed me several albums of pictures, before and after of his patients. I wanted to cry. I wanted this done tomorrow!

Because I was only 16, I might be told I had to wait. Major surgery on a body still growing is risky. Seeing how miserable I was, how huge I was, how my health problems had started to mount, Dr. Busby said he was willing to operate.

I was taken in and shown a video about the prodecure, the before and after, and what risks there could be. Due to the size I was, and depending on how much they would take away, I wouldn’t ever be able to breastfeed.

I told them I didn’t care. I wanted to be healthy, and happy. If I ever did decide to have kids, that was a really long way off and I could deal with the consequences.

I think we went back for one more visit before the deal was made. In July I would get my wish.

–

In the nearly ten years since this was done, and considering I didn’t have a journal at the time, I’ve written and told this story several times. Some of the details are now hazy.

I remember we had to be there at 7am. We’d had dinner at Red Lobster with my godfather and his wife the night before. No food allowed after midnight. I’m pretty sure I slept. I wasn’t scared at all.

At the hosptial they checked me in and made me down a tiny antacid pill. A nurse attempted twice to put an IV in my arm, but ended up putting it in the back of my right hand. The nurse knew a kid I went to high school with. No one at school except my best friend knew how I was spending my summer vacation.

I sat around watching the funeral of a Portland police officer on the TV in the ward. Eventually the doctor came in and drew all over my breasts in green pen where he would make incisions, what would be removed, and everything else he would do.

That was a little odd.

I waited around some more. Finally it was time.

There’s something unnerving about laying in a bed and being wheeled down long, gleaming hallways with huge florescent lights overhead that blind you. We reached the OR and I had to scoot over to the table. Most undignified in a hospitial gown.

Someone asked me if I’d ever been to Disneyland. I don’t even know how we got started on that. I was talking about it, they put the mask over my face, I breathed in, I was out…

–

My own groans awakened me in the recovery ward. I kept putting my right arm above my head, sound asleep, and setting off the moniter that was watching my blood pressure. A nurse kept coming over and putting my arm down, but I kept doing it.

Some guy in the next bed over, seperated by a curtain, was talking on and on about a motorcycle. I kept drifting in and out. I could tell there was something extremely tight wrapped around my chest but I didn’t care.

Eventually I was awake enough to be moved to the room I would spend the night in. It was policy to spend the night. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t argue. An orderly barely 18, male and cute, pushed my bed up to my room.

That was embarassing. I looked like hell and just had my boobs done. Lord.

For the next four hours, any time I tried to move I puked. They made me get up to use the bathroom, which is procedure, and I puked.

You do not understand that your center of gravity changes drastically when you have this surgery. My head was spinning and I couldn’t balance for love nor money. (I have fantastic balance and this frustrated the hell out of me to no end. Also, I hate throwing up.)

Finally I lasped into sleep and the puking stopped. Mom settled in to watch the five channels on the TV and I dozed on and off. Every hour on the hour a nurse would appear and bug me, asking about pain and checking me over.

That night was one of the worst nights in my life. I wanted sleep but they were just doing their job, checking to make sure I wasn’t going to explode or fall apart.

My departure the next day was held up. Dr. Busby was late to remove the bindings and bandages, the drains that were to collect the blood and fluids. I was impaitent. For the first time in my 16 years I could cross my arms over my chest. Granted it was akward, being as I had mummy-like bandages around my chest, but I could do it.

Don’t ever take that simple act for granted again.

Eventually he arrived. One of my drains had basically wiggled its way loose during the night. Thankfully those were hospital sheets. He checked everything, all the sutures and stitches and signed the release papers.

If they would have let me I would have run out of there, I was so hyper and excited to finally be rid of my source of pain and self-consciousness. But they don’t. I had to be rolled out in a wheel chair.

But I was free.

–

It took nearly a year before the swelling subsided. For a while I thought he had just stappled rocks onto my chest because that’s how hard they were.

During the healing, one of the stitches that was supposed to dissolve popped through. It had to be pulled, which was a simple visit to the doctor, but that damn thing was painful. The stitches in my elbow reminded me.

In case you were wondering, he cut roughly 500 grams and a little more of tissue. From both. That’s over a pound of flesh from each. (Where’s Shylock?) It is amazing the difference two pounds make.

At that time I went from a 44DD to a 42B. I was the youngest patient he had ever performed the procedure on. And he really was ‘no-scars’; they’re there but you would have to know where to look. I’ve had no complications, a full recovery, and they’re basically the same. I’m probably a C now, but still. A C comapred to a DD?

I’d never go back.

Christmas tastes like burning!

How to avoid being poisoned during the holiday season.

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In case you did notice… or didn’t… there was no column from me for this month yet. Where was I? Out of town, helping the elderly (read: my grandmother) string a billion twinkle lights (that don’t twinkle) and wrap presents like an elf until I ran out of clear tape.

So. There was no column.

This week? I make it up to you, by writing an extra long column! I think. We’ll see how this turns out.

Again, in case you didn’t notice or live under a rock, the holidays are upon us! Eeek run for your lives! Aside from the over-eating and possible food poisoning at Thanksgiving, you get killer toys, insane relatives, family free-for-all cage matches, and creepy Uncle Bob walking in on you while looking for the bathroom. Generally, just a terrifying time of year.

When this is supposed to be a joyous time of celebration and togetherness (and all that other crap) why the hell are we using living decorations that are poisonous?!

Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, let me tell you.

Mistletoe: Basically a cheap way to get a kiss, I really think it’s an ugly plant. It’s a semi-parasitic plant with small, leathery leaves and small, white berries. To sustain life, it grows on other plants, hence the parasitic notation. Druids were all about mistletoe, believing it could bestow health and good luck and protect children from the fae-folk. It was also has properties in medicinal use, but everyone pretty much knows it from the Christmas tradition (which no one can tell exactly where it originated, but most blame the British for some reason) of if you’re caught under a sprig hanging from the ceiling, you have to kiss someone. Ew. And on top of that, the berries are poisonous. The recommendations are to keep it out of reach of children. Or you could buy the “plastic” variety with fake berries. Even better, don’t buy any at all! Unless you really want a kiss, then you need that headband thing with the mistletoe attached to it.

Jerusalem cherry: Also known as deadly nightshade, I’d honestly never heard of this being a holiday decorating item. But it came up, so here’s the story. Called the “Christmas cherry”, its green leaves and bright red fruit look pretty “Christmas-y”. In truth, it’s become a weed. The poison is found not only in the fruit, but also in the leaves and stems. Basically, the entire plant should have a “warning” tag strapped to it. Don’t leave this around the kiddies and pets, whatsoever.

Holly: Ah, everyone knows Holly! No not the girl. The plant. This one you can blame the Romans for…mostly. The Druids were big on this plant as well; putting it in their hair to remember cruel winter did not kill off all living life on the planet while the sun was gone. The Romans on the other hand gave the creation of Holly to Saturn, god of agriculture. I bet holly covered every living and non-living inch of everything during the raucous Saturnalia festivals during Winter Solstice! (Which was the 21st, if you’re paying attention!) On the religious side, you get holly miraculously growing leaves out of season in order to hide Jesus, Mary and Joseph from Herod’s soldiers. That one I’d never heard. One I had heard was the old “On Christmas eve, English virgins hung holly on their beds to protect their virtue from Christmas goblins.” Yeah, that’s gonna help. A legend from Germany says holly braches were woven to form Christ’s crown while on the crucifix, and his blood turned the once-white berries crimson. Which is kind of ironic, getting to it, because the berries are what’s poisonous.

Azaleas: Part of the genus Rhododendron, I know we’ve got some of these in the backyard, but I’ve never seen them in holiday decor. But then, I know there’s Christmas Azaleas, so go figure. I’m assuming the brightly coloured blossoms and the sheer multitude of them is what got them into the decor trade. There doesn’t seem to be any neat legend about Jesus or even Santa Claus tied to them. Bummer. Just know every single part of the plant is a no-no. A lot of the time pretty equals poisonous.

And now for the really big shocking part: Poinsettias are not poisonous! No I’m not making it up! I wouldn’t say go ahead and eat your fill, because it will make you sick, but compared to holly and mistletoe, the poinsettias are all show.

But why poinsettias? This you can finally blame on the Spanish conquest of Mexico! (Yes I really wanted to say the Spanish Inquisition, but no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!) The poinsettia plant is native to Mexico (duh) and was cultivated by the Aztecs. They just liked making dyes and fever medicines from it. It was the Spaniards who jumped all over it and used the plant in the introduction of Christianity. Franciscan priests used the poinsettia in their nativity processions, and another legend involving a little girl giving a bouquet of what she thought was weeds to the Nativity scene at the altar which then burst into bloom resulted in poinsettias being tied to the Christmas scene. Flores de Noche Buena (Flowers of the Holy Night) are mostly known to be a brilliant crimson red, but they actually come in 100 varieties, and at least a dozen colours. Because they bloom only at night, the greenhouses that keep the supply up force them into artificial darkness. Cheaters!

There you have it: Four dangerous holiday decor items, one that’s been cruelly mislabeled, and a bat in a fir tree. Maybe in 2006 I’ll find something bigger and more dangerous to write about. (read: Bird Flu anyone?) May you and yours have a lovely holiday season, and please don’t eat the berries!

(originally this was posted on 12.22.2005 at my short-lived column Plagues, Pestilences, and Other Plights on Inside Pulse. This was the last column ever written in this series.)

Filthy dead bird carcass of DOOM!

Er… Happy Thanksgiving!

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Ah, the holidays are upon us. For those who go in for all that tradition, you’re probably traveling home and gathering with the family for the over-eating pig-out food fest that is what Thanksgiving is generally know for! Oh and that being ‘thankful’ bit too.

But certain doom awaits thee if proper precautions are not taken! That gigantic turkey sure make look inviting, but it could be bursting with not juicy white meat but dangerous bacteria! Instead of looking at family albums and playing Parcheesi with Uncle Sam, you’ll all be waiting in line for the bathroom or the paramedics.

Food-borne illnesses are very common. Illness results from eating food contaminated with bacteria or other pathogens such as parasites or viruses, and differ from a food intolerance or food allergy. Typical food poisoning characteristics range from upset stomach to more serious symptoms: diarrhea, fever, vomiting, abdominal cramps, and dehydration. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that 76 million people contract food-related illnesses, a year. Of these, almost 5,000 die.

You’re really eyeing the turkey Aunt Marge cooked now, aren’t you.

Among the helpful tips at WrongDiagnosis.com’s food poisoning prevention site are:

• WASH YOUR HANDS! With warm water and soap! Before and after preparing raw foods! Clean surfaces well before preparing food on them, as well as having separate cutting boards for raw meat and vegetables!

• Refrigerate foods promptly! Don’t let them sit out while you sit around playing gin rummy with grandma Louise! Bacteria multiply rapidly between 40°F and 140°F. Set the refrigerator for 40°F! Keep cooked food above 140°F!

• Use a thermometer to be sure you’ve cooked foods for the feast to the proper temperature!

• Never defrost food on the kitchen counter. Use the refrigerator, cold running water, or the microwave oven. Conversely, reheat cooked food to at least 165°F.

So. Now you have a great guide to escaping any food poisoning this holiday. Of course, you can’t blame me if you do get poisoning… I tried to warn you! Happy Turkey Day!

(originally this was posted on 11.26.2005 at my short-lived column Plagues, Pestilences, and Other Plights on Inside Pulse. Expect others to follow in due course.)

The Little Mermaid Syndrome

I don’t remember this from the Disney movie…

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Keeping in the theme of deforming syndromes… you can blame Oprah for making me pick Sirenomelia as this week’s topic.

Sirenomelia, or “mermaid syndrome”, is a very rare and usually lethal malformation that results in the fusion of the lower limbs of the fetus. Caused by afailure of normal vascular (blood) supply from the lower aorta while in utero, the child is found to have what resembles a “fish’s tail” instead of two separate legs and feet.

Recorded cases in history show that sometimes there are variations: Sometimes there is a single femur; other times both are present. Sometimes there are feet, sometimes there are none. Almost always the rotation of feet and knees is reversed, with the sole of the feet and the popliteal region facing forward. Basically, the feet resemble the “fin” of the “tail”.

There are always urogenital deformities. The child could be born without a bladder, simplified to non-existent external genitalia, and an imperforate anus. There are also spinal and vertebral column anomalies as well. Most babies die of this disease before birth or within twenty-four to forty-eight hours of delivery because of the bladder and kidney complications. The condition is such deforming that there’s usually little chance of survival, let alone a normal life.

This defect is “sporadic”, occurring in 60,000 to 100,000 live births, basically about as rare as conjoined twins. Sirenomelia is also more common in male babies. I’m not quite sure how they figure that, considering most of the time the genitalia is missing or barely there.

This picture shows a gross malformation of Sirenomelia. I would seriously say it’s not for the weak-stomached and entirely unsafe for those reading at work. From what I’ve seen, picture-wise of Sirenomelia, that was an extremely bad case. It also doesn’t even look like Sirenomelia, but that’s what it’s classified as.

This site roughly details three cases of Sirenomelia, complete with pictures and x-rays. Again, not exactly work-safe, but the x-rays are completely fascinating and show quite clearly the internal deformation that this defect causes.

Amazingly, there are said to be two living survivors of Sirenomelia:

Tiffany Yorks, now 16, was born with what doctor’s believe to be Sirenomelia (although some argue it was actually Caudal regression syndrome) and began treatment at 25 days old. Her legs were separated with the use of MRI images, and she was found to have separate thigh and shinbones, which really helped her case. As of 2000, she has had 13 reconstructive and plastic surgeries to give her a chance at normal life. She lives in Florida.

Milagros Cerron was born in April of 2004 in Peru, suffering Sirenomelia. In February of 2005, a four-hour operation to insert silicone bags between her legs to stretch the skin was successfully completed, followed in May by another surgery to separate her legs. This second surgery was successful. Down the road she faces genital reconstruction surgery, which doctors hope they can replace rudimentary anus, urethra and genitalia. (I’m thinking this was the baby on Oprah’s show.)

Finally, one last close up picture of severe Sirenomelia.

So, now I go back to fretting about what to write about next. If you guys ever have any suggestions or actually have a disease or condition you’d like to learn about, drop me a line. I’ll even mention your name!

(originally this was posted on 11.10.2005 at my short-lived column Plagues, Pestilences, and Other Plights on Inside Pulse. Expect others to follow in due course.)