How to avoid being poisoned during the holiday season.

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In case you did notice… or didn’t… there was no column from me for this month yet. Where was I? Out of town, helping the elderly (read: my grandmother) string a billion twinkle lights (that don’t twinkle) and wrap presents like an elf until I ran out of clear tape.

So. There was no column.

This week? I make it up to you, by writing an extra long column! I think. We’ll see how this turns out.

Again, in case you didn’t notice or live under a rock, the holidays are upon us! Eeek run for your lives! Aside from the over-eating and possible food poisoning at Thanksgiving, you get killer toys, insane relatives, family free-for-all cage matches, and creepy Uncle Bob walking in on you while looking for the bathroom. Generally, just a terrifying time of year.

When this is supposed to be a joyous time of celebration and togetherness (and all that other crap) why the hell are we using living decorations that are poisonous?!

Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, let me tell you.

Mistletoe: Basically a cheap way to get a kiss, I really think it’s an ugly plant. It’s a semi-parasitic plant with small, leathery leaves and small, white berries. To sustain life, it grows on other plants, hence the parasitic notation. Druids were all about mistletoe, believing it could bestow health and good luck and protect children from the fae-folk. It was also has properties in medicinal use, but everyone pretty much knows it from the Christmas tradition (which no one can tell exactly where it originated, but most blame the British for some reason) of if you’re caught under a sprig hanging from the ceiling, you have to kiss someone. Ew. And on top of that, the berries are poisonous. The recommendations are to keep it out of reach of children. Or you could buy the “plastic” variety with fake berries. Even better, don’t buy any at all! Unless you really want a kiss, then you need that headband thing with the mistletoe attached to it.

Jerusalem cherry: Also known as deadly nightshade, I’d honestly never heard of this being a holiday decorating item. But it came up, so here’s the story. Called the “Christmas cherry”, its green leaves and bright red fruit look pretty “Christmas-y”. In truth, it’s become a weed. The poison is found not only in the fruit, but also in the leaves and stems. Basically, the entire plant should have a “warning” tag strapped to it. Don’t leave this around the kiddies and pets, whatsoever.

Holly: Ah, everyone knows Holly! No not the girl. The plant. This one you can blame the Romans for…mostly. The Druids were big on this plant as well; putting it in their hair to remember cruel winter did not kill off all living life on the planet while the sun was gone. The Romans on the other hand gave the creation of Holly to Saturn, god of agriculture. I bet holly covered every living and non-living inch of everything during the raucous Saturnalia festivals during Winter Solstice! (Which was the 21st, if you’re paying attention!) On the religious side, you get holly miraculously growing leaves out of season in order to hide Jesus, Mary and Joseph from Herod’s soldiers. That one I’d never heard. One I had heard was the old “On Christmas eve, English virgins hung holly on their beds to protect their virtue from Christmas goblins.” Yeah, that’s gonna help. A legend from Germany says holly braches were woven to form Christ’s crown while on the crucifix, and his blood turned the once-white berries crimson. Which is kind of ironic, getting to it, because the berries are what’s poisonous.

Azaleas: Part of the genus Rhododendron, I know we’ve got some of these in the backyard, but I’ve never seen them in holiday decor. But then, I know there’s Christmas Azaleas, so go figure. I’m assuming the brightly coloured blossoms and the sheer multitude of them is what got them into the decor trade. There doesn’t seem to be any neat legend about Jesus or even Santa Claus tied to them. Bummer. Just know every single part of the plant is a no-no. A lot of the time pretty equals poisonous.

And now for the really big shocking part: Poinsettias are not poisonous! No I’m not making it up! I wouldn’t say go ahead and eat your fill, because it will make you sick, but compared to holly and mistletoe, the poinsettias are all show.

But why poinsettias? This you can finally blame on the Spanish conquest of Mexico! (Yes I really wanted to say the Spanish Inquisition, but no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!) The poinsettia plant is native to Mexico (duh) and was cultivated by the Aztecs. They just liked making dyes and fever medicines from it. It was the Spaniards who jumped all over it and used the plant in the introduction of Christianity. Franciscan priests used the poinsettia in their nativity processions, and another legend involving a little girl giving a bouquet of what she thought was weeds to the Nativity scene at the altar which then burst into bloom resulted in poinsettias being tied to the Christmas scene. Flores de Noche Buena (Flowers of the Holy Night) are mostly known to be a brilliant crimson red, but they actually come in 100 varieties, and at least a dozen colours. Because they bloom only at night, the greenhouses that keep the supply up force them into artificial darkness. Cheaters!

There you have it: Four dangerous holiday decor items, one that’s been cruelly mislabeled, and a bat in a fir tree. Maybe in 2006 I’ll find something bigger and more dangerous to write about. (read: Bird Flu anyone?) May you and yours have a lovely holiday season, and please don’t eat the berries!

(originally this was posted on 12.22.2005 at my short-lived column Plagues, Pestilences, and Other Plights on Inside Pulse. This was the last column ever written in this series.)