I know it’s been a really really long time since I’ve bothered to update. Sorry. It’s life. You’ll all be happy to know I’ve parlayed my love of strange medical things into a useful career and gone back to learn insurance coding and billing in college. So far it’s paying off.

Anyway, I’m taking a detour from the usual medical craziness I normally (or would) post about to complain about something I feel I need to complain about.

See, one of my all-time favorite movies ever is The Lost Boys, a little vampire film from 1987 that sort of revolutionized vampires as we know them. Granted I was six when it was released and it wasn’t until I was eleven that I properly saw the film but as any of my friends know it’s the movie that cemented me as a vampire lover.

Over the years I’ve made friends who share my love of this movie and its characters, and we all certainly did our share of speculation on a sequel and why it could/couldn’t be made. Some of us even explored things in fanfiction. But as the years went by and Warner Bros remained silent, even with a copy of a “script” floating around the internet, hope kind of died and we just enjoyed our cult-classic film.

Until last year when the rumblings and whispers grew into a roar and the announcement was made that there was indeed a sequel and oh, it’s called Lost Boys: The Tribe.

Huh? Wait a minute…

For those of you under a rock, a brief explanation. See, Corey Feldman apparently really needs money and/or a career boost and somehow he signed on to make this atrocity. Not only Feldman but Corey Haim and Jamison Newlander as well. For those who don’t know the original film, these are Edgar and Alan Frog and Sam Emerson, respectively. Haim played Sam, brother to Jason Patric’s Michael, the “main” character of the film. He happened to be friends with the wannabe vampire slayers the Frog Brothers and now you can see where this is going.

You will note that NONE of the other main characters have signed on to reprise their roles. So no, you will not be seeing Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Alex Winter, Billy Wirth, Brooke McCarter, Chance Michael Corbitt, Edward Herrmann, or Dianne Wiest in this movie. Honestly, it would be kinda cool if Barnard “Grandpa” Hughes (RIP) showed up as a zombie.

The excuse for a story is basically set in real time — meaning 21 years have passed since the events of The Lost Boys — and as an added twist, picks up after the events of the comic book prequel Lost Boys: Reign Of Frogs which are supposed to fill in the blanks of what happened post The Lost Boys. If that made any sense.

Lost Boys: The Tribe is set in Santa Carla’s sister city of Luna Bay. Newly orphaned Chris and Nicole Emerson arrive post their parents’ deaths from a car accident to move in with their aunt Jillian. Now, it is implied that these are the children of Michael and Star from the original film. Anyway, in a parallel to their parents’ story, Nicole completely falls head over heels for local vampire Shane, who just happens to run around with three other vamps in a gang called The Tribe. (Oh, that’s original.) Chris, watching his sister turn into a “goddamn shit sucking vampire”, takes action to destroy the vampire menace with help from none other then good old Edgar Frog. Edgar, who has spent time in the trenches fighting the undead, has his own demons to battle (in the form of two people once very close to him *cough cough*) and makes surfboards to keep the cash rolling in. Got all that?

That’s about as spoiler free as I can be with that synopsis.

Oh, and the vampires this time around a “adrenaline junkies”. WTF? Bloody killing sprees ain’t enough? According the interviews, they like to surf and base jump and ride dirt bikes recklessly through coastal towns. Unlike their predecessors who just rode fancy bikes and terrorized the Boardwalk. Yeah… you got me on that one.

So. Back in March, MTV got an exclusive and released the trailer for Lost Boys: The Tribe on their website. You can find both here, plus more about the casting and other spoilers.

Another reason I’m questioning the intent of the filmmakers… see, Kiefer Sutherland played the vampire leader David in the original. Now, it just so happens he’s got a half-brother by the name of Angus Sutherland who just happens to be in his mid-twenties and, oh gee, look slightly similar to his half-brother! And guess what! He got cast as Shane, the leader of The Tribe vampires in Lost Boys: The Tribe! What a coincidence!

Granted, the guy has had all of three acting roles so far (most recently a gay model in Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay) and that’s really no way to judge what he can do so I’m having to hold my tongue on this one. But really, come on! Like we wouldn’t notice he has the same last name, the same vocal tone, and similar looks? And you just wouldn’t stoop to capitalizing on all that, right?

Moving on, it’s been quite quiet on the press front for the last few months. Everyone knows it’s going to be one of the first direct-to-DVD-releases for Warner Bros Premiere. Nope, no theatrical release, despite the pathetically valiant efforts of some weirdos online. I honestly doubt this could ever make enough to warrant a theatrical release. The Two Coreys are just not the box office draw they once were.

Instead, Warner Bros has opted to follow a viral online campaign. Oh joy. I already exhausted myself playing Trent Reznor’s ARG for Nine Inch Nails’ Year Zero. Do I really need to play another for a stupid sequel for a movie I love? I guess so.

Let us explore. (Or more, let me do it for you.)

The City of Luna Bay
Fictional website for the city of Luna Bay, California (the setting of the film.) With listings of events, links to local shops and lodging, most of which are set in real-time (ie: 2008.) Of note are:

The Garlic Press Kitchen Gallery (Look for the director of this stupid film making a cameo as a “Garlic Salesman”. Yes, I’m serious.)

The Big Wave Hair Salon (“Vampy. Voguish. Vixenly.”)

Dragonlady’s Lair (“a movie store for those who only come out at night” with the note: “For the soulless, step into our Room of Blood–hidden behind the black-beaded curtain–where we keep the most horrific, the most vile, the most gory movies ever made.”)

Bayside Antiques (“Stop in. Stay while. We promise not to bite.”)

Rage Motorsports (The Tribe are featured heavily on motorcycles and their mechanic Marcus Sato took off for Santa Cruz and “hasn’t been seen since”.)

Handy Hardware (“For the yard, we have a perpetually changing array of stakes. Wood, metal, plastic. We’re not sure why they fly off our shelves. Perhaps there’s a ghost in our midst.”)

Liquid Crimson (“Drinks flow like liquid crimson–you’ll be dying for a taste. Call us what you want: Goth, dark, alternative, punk, undead–we’re here to stay. If you want to move to our rhythm, you’ll find us when the sun goes down. Don’t make us come find you.”)

Juan Tons (“For the less daring, we offer traditional Chinese food favorites such as white rice and chow mein. Take out is available.”)

Sweet Bites (“Follow your sweet tooth to Sweet Bites…and keep biting!”)

Pie in the Sky Pizzeria (“So what else comes out at night? Just check the names of our pizzas. Like our Vampire pizza–don’t ask what’s in the sauce. And our Slayer’s pizza–covered in steak (not stakes!) and garlic. Eat one of these and the vampires will stay far, far away. Then our Creature from the Ocean Deep pizza, covered in anchovies, scallops, shrimp, and crab. Our Werewolf pizza will make you howl with delight, 8 different cheeses piled so thick you’ll need a mouth the size of a werewolf’s to take a bite.”)

The Sanctuary Inn (“Opened in 1987, The Sanctuary Inn is a Bed & Breakfast at its finest, a haven for travelers seeking shelter and tranquility in the gorgeous seaside city of Luna Bay. Delve into local history by staying in this converted church–the very first church in Luna Bay! Although the church has been remodeled, guests will experience the same peace and ambiance during their stay as the earliest citizens of the city who found sanctuary here.”)

Half Moon Hotel (“and plenty of room for a surfboard or two.”)

Luna Bay Paranormal Investigations link. On the page is (surprise!) a biography for Edgar Frog.

Edgar Frog
Associate Member, Demonologist

“Born in Santa Carla and relocating to the outskirts of Luna Bay, Edgar Frog is our most vigilant member. He does not usually investigate cases with us unless there is suspected demon activity. He is properly equipped to deal with undead, neverdead as well as human threats. He has been in this field since his early teens and understands what is required in the face of danger. This is a calling, not a profession.

When he isn’t assisting those in need, he shapes some of the best surfboards ever to be ridden. His brand of skill is very hard to come by. He also develops technology to assist in investigations and his other work.”

It is also noted that night time tours have been canceled and several investigators are missing… plus, the links to the other organizations and museums are all 404 errors.

Clearly, Luna Bay was founded by vampires. And not only that, but also in 1987! Come on people, you think we won’t notice these not-subtle vampiric word plays?! (And the fact your websites are all coded the same way? Gee, you couldn’t shell out for just a bit of difference between the three sites?) The innuendo is so thick you have to scrape it off your shoes. I think I want to puke.

Oh, and how many more werewolf references do you need? I have this feeling they’re going to be exploring the immortal words of the Frog Bros involving “ghouls and werewolves” and city council positions. Ha! You thought I wouldn’t notice that, did you!

Or, as I give it thought, they’re going with the whole “vampires are allergic to silver” myth. Ah geez, couldn’t you invent something NEW!? (I was hoping for werewolves.)

California Coastal Missing Persons Foundation
A site that lists ads for missing persons. It also has a map that shows the relation of Luna Bay to Santa Carla. Geez, they list Santa Cruz on there…

You’re greeted with “Warning! Our web site has been breached. A number of missing persons have mysteriously been deleted from our database. We apologize for any inconvenience or distress this may cause. We are looking into the problem.” Huh, I wonder why? (Lord, one of the Tribe boys is a techno geek? HAHAHAHAHA!)

Clearly, after an exhausted bit of work on my part, the majority of the missing went missing in Luna Bay. (Note to whomever made this: you flubbed up on the Boardwalk’s location a time or two. Is is Santa Carla or Santa Cruz?) You can sort of trace the movements of the Tribe (*snort*) if you really look at it.

Among the missing, of note:
Trista Benjamin (“May have recently been seen at night with a group of rowdy people in Luna Bay, but this sighting has not been confirmed.”)

Kyle Bloch (One of the vampires is named Kyle)

Lisa Emerson (Went missing at the Boardwalk in Santa Carla on 12/20/1989 and if I have to point out the name…also born in 1974)

Adam Lennard (clearly the Tribe took his bike.)

Steve Whipple (“Leaving home to go surfing with friends in Luna Bay, CA.”)

There are some recent ones (as in the last three months) from Luna Bay, further setting up that the vampires are hunting there. Ooo, spooky. There’s a phone number listed (831) 425-3445 but I haven’t called it. It is also the only website of the three to offer an email address. (Note: I did Google the number and it is indeed a Santa Cruz number. Anyone who calls it, drop me a note and tell me what you get? Thanks!)

Frog Brothers Surf Company
The website for Edgar Frog’s surfboard company. Four types of surfboard models are shown: The Beast, The Hunter, The Predator, The Vamp.

The links page all work, except http://www.surfthewaves.org/ and http://www.surfrider.org/ Whether these are legit or not remains to be seen.

How come Edgar gets the shaft on this? If he’s got such a central role in the film, why such a undeveloped website? Or is it because he’s too busy staking nightstalker ass to hire a webmonkey?

In reality, I posted this here because I know it’s more like to get a lot of traffic (and attention) then anywhere else. Someone has to do the dirty work and I guess that’s me.

For those who are curious, yes I intend to see the film. Some small part inside me did get excited when the trailers were released. I attribute it to the magic and experience of the ORIGINAL film and not the sequel. I’m a sucker (pun intended) for all things Lost Boys and clearly have no qualms of shelling out (within reason) for things related to it. In the future, expect reviews to be posted not only of Lost Boys: The Tribe but as well as the four-part comic book prequel Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs.