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The first time you see the Lost Boys take out the Surf Nazis, revealing to Michael they are vampires and the hardcore murderous destruction of said Surf Nazis, you’re totally shocked. It’s very visceral, no holds barred, a blood bath that is intend to shock the audiences. Especially back when the film was released and no one knew that they were vampires; I’m sure it had more impact then.

But after that initial viewing, and many subsequent viewings, and a lot of thought (because, hey, what else do I have to do?) I realized what it really was:

The Lost Boys were “shock and awe”ing Michael.

They were being reckless on purpose. They were flaunting their power. They were showboating.

They were being sloppy.

Why? Because plan A had failed. Failed in a major crash and burn. David’s subplot plan to get Star to make Michael her first kill (and take him out of the equation in the process) (god that’s a whole other post about the power struggle that would have ensued, HAD Michael turned fully) was wrecked when instead of biting him, she slept with him. I can only imagine David’s reaction when he learned this:

Star: I didn’t kill Michael. I slept with him instead.
David: YOU DID WHAT?
David: Great, now I’ve gotta go to plan B.
David: You’re grounded, you big haired twit.

Still, up until this point in the film, Michael doesn’t seem to know what the fuck is going on, even after Sam informs him that he’s a “creature of the night”. The flying, the floating, aversion to sunlight, the almost biting Sam, Nanook attacking him, the ghost-like reflection in the mirror, the mysteriously healed wound, salt on the bottoms of his feet (oh wait, that was deleted scene/novelization only) — all these things adding up. It doesn’t take a genius.

I mean, dude didn’t listen to Star whens he flat out told him he was drinking blood. I dunno, if someone tells you ‘hey that’s blood you’re about to drink’, YOU MIGHT STOP AND RECONSIDER.

Oh, 1980s peer-pressure, how simple you were!

Back to plan B. Michael makes a fatal mistake of inviting Max in the house (snort) and skips off to the Boardwalk to throw his weight around and threaten David because… well, there’s kind of a plot hole there.

He saw Star the night before, woke up the next morning, went home, some how got pissed about it (???) and the next thing he’s throwing Marko out of the way and getting up in David’s face about the big-haired twit?

What?

The novelization fills in the gap. Star wasn’t asked to join the Boys on their nightly sojourn to the Boardwalk. She and Laddie are left back at the Cave. Meanwhile, Michael is frantically running up and down the Boardwalk, ever returning to the bandstand where he first laid eyes on Star, but not finding her anywhere. Until he finally sees David & co., which is where the film picks up.

You don’t care about any of this. You just want to know why I called the Boys sloppy.

Think about it: first kill we witness in the movie is the security dude. In the film he disappears, ripped away into the air. In the novel, his drained, dying body is dropped along the beach to be washed out on the tide. He’s a desiccated husk compared to the big, overweight dude he’d been hours before, practically unidentifiable. I think that they were going to show that in the film but budget constraints and/or editing took it out.

Second kill is Shelly and Greg, aka those crazy kids who love stealing comics and picking fights on the carousel. Again, we don’t see them die, just get picked off. (That’s why I love this movie; you never see the horrible murders until the big reveal. It’s just like Jaws; the psychological stuff is far scarier then the in-your-face-gore!)

The movie purports, or asks us to believe, that Santa Carla has a big problem with missing people. Constant “MISSING” signs tacked to poles and bulletin boards, layers upon layers. Why aren’t bodies turning up?

Because the Boys aren’t sloppy. They know enough to hide the evidence, in whatever form or fashion, and to not take too many victims in one kill.

There’s four Boys and they take one fat security guard. And the next kill is two twenty-somethings. That’s not a hell of a lot of blood to split between four vampires. So that means they’re either doing kills off-screen or don’t need a hell of a lot of blood to function.

Now the Surf Nazis.

There’s roughly 5-6 (?) of them in the wide shot before the carnage starts. That’s nearly equal numbers to the Boys, including Michael. A large kill compared to what we’ve already “witnessed”.

Then things get weird and overtly over-the-top.

Why would a vampire bite a skull? Head wounds spray all over the fucking place and waste blood! I mean they clearly show blood spouting all over when David bites the top of that dude’s head.

Why snap a neck before biting? I don’t know? Marko just does.

Paul savagely rips a throat out with his fangs. Again, overkill. Anybody who knows shit about movie vampires knows all they have to do is puncture the skin with fangs and easy blood flow.

And then Marko is ripping a scalp off with his bare hands. Again, what the fuck, why? That’s just brutalizing a corpse at that point.

We never really see what Dwayne does, beyond tackling his victim and eventually throwing the body onto the bonfire. That’s it. I have no other evidence and believe me, I’ve looked.

On to the bonfire the bodies go. Firstly, WHAT THE FUCK and secondly, that fire isn’t hot enough to consumed human remains, even if they were drunk. Alcohol isn’t going to help that much, is it? Sure, flesh is going to char and burn, but the MASSIVE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE that’s gonna be left before is astronomical! This plot point has bothered me since I was twelve, people. And it only got worse when I started to read up on and learn about forensics.

By this point, Michael’s cowering and David’s giving his infamous dramatic monologue about being a vampire and somewhere behind the Boys the bonfire is burning the corpses and I am left wondering WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE SO MUCH EVIDENCE BEHIND.

Well, as I often have to remind myself, it’s a fucking movie.

In the novel, the scene is more detailed but not. Of course it is, it’s a book, words get far more descriptive. There is more urgency then just a big twist reveal. David is compelling Michael, threatening that if Michael is not “one of them” then he cannot see Star again.

Their transformation is not as visually graphic as the film; they just fly off and attack the Surf Nazis, actually yelling at them and having a bit of dialogue, as opposed to the direct, wordless attack of the film.

In the novelization, the Boys toy more with the Surf Nazis. But there is less depiction of what they do to the Surf Nazis; clearly the movie was always going to be more visual in the big twist reveal. The novelization is sort of a let down in that respect. It’s a lot more of Michael’s internal dialogue and struggle with the realization of what the Boys are versus Michael’s inner vampire being revealed while the destruction and chaos surround him.

I theorize that the Boys were putting on a show, purposely intended to scare Michael, to reveal their level of power along with their true nature. It was all over the top theatrics because Star didn’t do the one thing David asked of her. They were sloppy on purpose.

Since we learn that Star is a half vampire in the next scene, when she flies in and out of Sam’s window, which is another twist, I can’t say that the film makers did anything wrong.

Do I think it would have been more effective for David & co. to have dragged Star along or had her tied up and waiting for them to arrive, then reveal to Michael that the girl he loves is also a vampire? Sure. It would have amused me more, because damn, seeing Star shift into game face would have been a HUGE blow to Michael. (I’m pretty sure they made contacts for Jami Gertz but she never got to use/wear them. Bummer.)

It’s still a blow when she confirms Michael’s theory that she was supposed to kill him, adding that it was what David wanted for extra salt in the wound, and it works just fine for plot purposes.

If everything hadn’t immediately gone south the next day, would the cops have eventually discovered the evidence? Would Max have pull or influence over the cops to cover it all up? These are the questions I can’t answer, because there’s nothing in the movie or novelization to give clues.

The lesson here is: don’t fucking showboat. It just ends badly.

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Clarification – it IS a 6 issue series. Which makes sense, because damn, it’s moving slowly.

So. Issue #2 of The Lost Boys. Well, it picks up right where we left off…

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SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

***

Grandpa’s dead and for some reason they’re having Lucy identify him via photograph? Huh?

The three-score claw marks on his back are apparently a “gang tag”. Okay. And in Santa Carla this isn’t a supernatural problem but a “gang” problem, the “tag” being used to scare citizens. Okay.

Y’know, I copped out and used a nationally-known gang as a cover for vampires in my fan fic epic, so, yeah. I’m not even gonna nitpick on that, really. (Although I wish I had thought to combine them and call them “BLIPS” like in Keanu. Damn.)

Edgar and Alan decide that there’s no old guard anymore, they’re all dead, so they’re the last of the vampire hunters in town. It’s their shining moment, their call to arms, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, I’m still annoyed by Reign of Frogs. At least in Vertigo’s The Lost Boys they’re keeping it on the level and reality-based, as opposed to the ridiculousness in Reign of Frogs.

Everybody’s sad over the loss of Grandpa (hey, he got a MUCH BETTER end then the bullshit he got saddled with in Reign of Frogs. OKAY I’LL TRY TO STOP NOW.) and Lucy is bummed and Sam’s like “I’m the one that fucked up!” and Star runs out on everyone, saying it’s her fault (NO COMMENT *snort*) and she has to… well I’m not sure if she said she had to stop it or just leave before Michael & co get hurt, but that’s the justification she’s using.

Her hair is still huge, so there’s that.

And Laddie calls Lucy ‘Grandma’. What?

Sam, Edgar, and Alan review footage from the comic store, where of course the mystery girl from issue #1 doesn’t show up because she’s… you guessed it.

Here’s my problem with this: if the supernatural laws of this world mean vampires don’t have reflections in mirrors or show up in photographs, or on video footage, what if the video footage includes sound? Because it’s implied that you are hearing Sam speak to someone but this is like 1987 and surveillance footage (even NOW, in 2016) doesn’t usually include SOUND. At least not to my knowledge.

And the girl clearly asks him questions and answers him, so IF SHE DOESN’T SHOW UP PHYSICALLY, WOULDN’T HER VOICE STILL BE HEARD?

I’m callin’ fucking PLOT HOLE on that one.

Yadda yadda, the Frogs leave Sam at Grandpa’s because he’s got too much to lose and they don’t (???) so the Frogs take clues and head back to the Cave, where they find someone’s been up to something and it’s recent.

Yet again, I’m like “when does this take place?” because sure, it’s supernaturals at work, but still, stuff takes time. And because (as of issue #2) we don’t know how DAVID ISN’T DEAD (like, what, Grandpa the almighty vampire hunter wasn’t smart enough to throw his corpse out in the sun!???!) fuck I lost my train of thought. I’m still pissed about that!

Okay, so anyway, yet again I’m thinking Tim Seeley read some fan fic, because shit happens that I know I’ve written (although never publicly published, at least not to my knowledge) and I’m pretty sure has come up in OTHER PEOPLE’S FAN FIC and yeah. Ta-da, the Frogs discover the new… nest? coven? gang? WTF is the stupid label this comic is using? of vampires!

And immediately realize David’s there, too.

Then one of them asks ‘didn’t David explode?’ WHICH PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF.

There’s a line where one of them says they’re going to pick off the vampires like they did with Marko. That I let slide; Paul named Marko, literally, when he yelled at them “YOU KILLED MARKO!” so they would likely remember that. But to not know that David wasn’t the one who exploded? No, they were upstairs crying while Paul melted in the tub, so they didn’t see Dwayne explode but still. This brings it back around to WHY DIDN’T THEY TAKE OUT DAVID WHEN HE WAS ALREADY SUPPOSEDLY MORTALLY WOUNDED??

There was something in issue #1 where, I believe Edgar said something about knowing he should have “put another stake” in David. WHY DIDN’T YOU????

So here we are, ANOTHER GIANT FUCKING PLOT HOLE THAT IS REQUIRED TO GIVE CREDENCE TO THE “REVENGE” PLOT.

Ugh.

I will, and this is huge for me, concede that the art for David is not horrendous. Not like whatever the fuck happened to him in Reign of Frogs. Apparently he got a stylist or something but the tennis shoes? Um, no? No. No.

Without going full on plot spoilers, something really fucking weird happens to the Frog Brothers (??? WTF??? I can’t wait for the explanation of THAT one but I’m sure it involves LADDIE! And probably Star, since there’s spoilers in the synopsis blurbs on the Vertigo website. Sigh.)¬† And Edgar tries to contact the Emersons to warn them, but David kind of, literally, crushes that. Heh.

Where was I. Right. So in the box of personal effects that the Santa Carla PD bring to the house, they make a big fuss over this “application” (which was thrown in the garbage in issue #1, so how did it escape the fire?) and the police “checked it out” and blah blah blah and Sam is like, “who is it???”

sergio

Well, minus the Jon Hamm part, and minus the name Sergio. But yes, it is the shirtless, muscle-bound saxophone player just the same. He’s the mysterious vampire hunter who kept getting denied admission into the SC…whatnot club.

And he’s like huge into spiritually, and “my body is a temple” and wish I had a photo of my face while reading all that because… well, here:

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This meme is so useful for me.

Yeah. It ends with not Sergio (I would go get the comic and look up the name the writer gave the character but I am lazy and don’t want to get up; also, why is it oh-so-very-blatantly Greek? Is there gonna be some kind of “my forefathers fought vampires in Greece” kind of deal? If they go there, I called it first!) oiling up (yes, oiling up) and I dunno, man.

Oh. OH! And he calls himself “The Believer”.

100percentsoft_believer

(image from 100% Soft.)

Summation: I am actually not as angry over this as I thought I would be. As admitted in the previous post about issue #1, the story line isn’t so far-fetched and is reasonable enough that it’s believable. The art is decent. It’s not mind-blowing, they didn’t fuck up David as bad as I feared. The others are passable; I’m not real sure about the female vampires, since very little of them has been shown but I’m still worried about that being disappointing. They have a feel like they’re sort of the Spice Girls but “edgy” but also horrible archetypes and that worries me. (One is wearing a pearl necklace, another is tattooed with a mohawk; I’m not holding out hope here.)

I’ve proved over and over again that I’m OCD about details, particularly plot, so I’m wondering how the Emersons just magically took over Max’s video store, where the Frog parents are, why Star isn’t at all forthcoming about anything (clearly that’s going to be a MAJOR PLOT POINT but still), why is Laddie still around, and where’s Thorn? (Okay that last one is kind of a running joke between a friend and I, so I doubt it will get answered. Clearly the hound of hell returned to Hades on Max’s demise.)

Overall, considering I was angry at the announcement of this series, then entirely forgot about it, then randomly discovered it again, I’m kind of torn because it’s not that bad. It’s decent, which is me practically recommending it, which I kind of am? But I’m also still terrified, because there’s four issues to go and a lot could go VERY WRONG in those issues.

Cover of issue #3 clearly shows the Giant Dipper, with Sam fighting off one of the female vampires (who has pointed elf ears?? And giant, clawed feet? Oh boy…) and issue #4’s cover is Sam and Sax Dude, complete with sax!, crawling around in what I’m guessing to be the Cave.

If the Believer is some sort of Pied Piper who controls vampires with his sax, I’m done.

Well, until December, when issue #3 drops, we’ll just have to wait and see.

PS: I kind of want to email Vertigo and ask if I can interview Tim Seeley about this, where he was coming from, where he got the plot ideas. Because I want to know.

News flash: David the vampire is dead.

Eternally kicked the bucket, permanent dirt nap, not coming back, dead.

DEAD.

But, you know, one wouldn’t think so if you read Lost Boys fan fiction or the officially licensed comic book series.

Look, fan fic is one thing. I have written too much goddamn fan fic involving The Lost Boys. I, technically, am still writing it. (If I ever finish, then you’ll know I’m dead.) So that’s one thing. If you’re #TeamVampires you basically keep them “alive” through stories. We’ve been doing it since 1987, we’re not going to stop.

Officially licensed stories are another thing. Yes, if you’ve been anything more than a casual “I like that movie!” person, then you damn well know that Warner Bros. really wanted to make a sequel. But nothing really worked and various (dubious) scripts floated around Hollywood long before the internet became a real series of tubes. Hell, I’ve read a lot of those “scripts” and most of them are awful but that’s my opinion.

Then, nearly 20 years later we get handed a bullshit “sequel” that’s more a BULLSHIT REMAKE then sequel and I’ve already written a lot of words and wasted a lot of breath on Lost Boys: The Tribe so I’m not going there again. And because it was “popular” (read: people watched it because we tend to do that when given something set in a world we love – eg: Jurassic Park: The Lost World – didn’t mean we actually liked it!) Warner Bros saw $$$$! and okay’d a second “sequel”, which was better than The Tribe but genuinely awful in its own right. Like, please stop trying to let Corey Feldman act. It’s just sort of super sad now and I’m saying that as a fan of most of his early films.

And then there was the comic book, Reign of Frogs, that was supposed to “bridge the gap” between the original film and The Tribe. Which I have also wasted a lot of energy, time, and words on. Apparently not on this blog but I know it’s somewhere online.

Here’s the thing: the film is not outlandish in any shape or form. It asks you to suspend reality only a little, because its premise — a family moves to a new town and the eldest son falls in with a “strange” crowd, who just HAPPEN TO BE VAMPIRES — is very simple. It’s set in the real world, with very real ordinary people fighting against very supernatural things.

Reign of Frogs went way out in left field. And asked too much of its readers, crammed too many things, in that broke the reader’s ability to buy any of the story line. Not to mention it was just horrible. Sorry, it just was. I paid money for all four issues, I am allowed my opinion.

Now, just shy of the original film’s 30th anniversary, we’ve got ANOTHER comic series.

Vertigo’s The Lost Boys is (so far) a four-part series. I think it’s just four; it might be six? I don’t know, we’ll find out.

Issue #1 seems to pick up shortly (say, 6-months, tops?) after the film. The art is decent; nothing impressive but better than the art in Reign of Frogs. That’s a miracle.

***

 

 

OKAY HERE’S WHERE WE ENTER SPOILER TERRITORY. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

***

Sam’s working at the comic shop. Lucy has taken over Max’s video rental store. Star and Laddie are living with the Emersons at Grandpa’s house.

Sounds entirely plausible.

Michael has a job working at a nursing home / care facility as a care giver.

…okay. Again, plausible. Why not.

Grandpa’s infamous line “The one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach: all the damn vampires.” again is in play, just as it was in Reign of Frogs, although in a different way.

Grandpa is a vampire slash supernatural creature hunter. There is a whole chapter of said hunters in Santa Carla, which he is leader (?) of. He is attempting to train the Frog Brothers to be hunters, because (as evidenced later on in the story) the chapter members are old and dying out, reluctant to bring in new members.

Yet again, plausible in a way that fits with the surprise twist at the end of the film. I’m okay with this.

Everybody is in the first issue. Sam, Michael, Star and Laddie, the Frog Brothers, Grandpa, I guess Lucy isn’t there but she’s name-checked by Sam. Hell, even Nanook makes the issue, in a hilarious scene.

So far so good, right? Right.

Well, so much for everything turning out okay. Something goes terribly wrong and tragic (sigh) and uh oh vampires are to blame once more because VAMPIRES and REVENGE and oh shit did I just say REVENGE?

Because only one person would want revenge in this game.

And, you see, he’s GODDAMN FUCKING DEAD AS A DOOR NAIL SO WHY IS HE DRAWN ON THE LAST PAGE??!

Yes. David is back. And apparently has decided turning dudes into vampires didn’t work, so lets go with all girls this time! Girl power, yo!

igi8g6

Before I continue, an aside.

Long long ago, before some of you were even born, a script (or a fan-written script passed off to be an “official” script) was floating around the interwebs, entitled “The Lost Girls”. Now, there was probably a few versions of this, but I specifically remember reading one where there was four female vampires who were targeting Michael and Sam was trying to fight them off. And there was a scene involving the Giant Dipper roller coaster that always stuck in my head because it was a pretty intense scene, vampires flying in and out of the coaster’s cars while it’s careening around the track, and yeah.

THIS COMIC BOOK FEELS LIKE IT IS VERY MUCH PULLED FROM THAT “SCRIPT”.

If I could find the goddamn thing I would check it against this but fan sites die and stuff goes missing and I probably had it on a 3.5 floppy disc (which wasn’t even”floppy”, such a misnomer!) and hell if I know where that could be. Plus, computers these days don’t come with disk readers (although I have a USB one, natch; god I am so old.) so yeah.

As I was saying. David is dead. I have no problem writing those words because he fucking is. Dude died on Grandpa’s work bench, horns rammed through his chest, screaming like a little bitch till the end.

“But the horns missed his heart!” you say?

The fuck they did. I have looked at screen caps, I have looked at stills, I have slow-mo’d the death scene a ridiculous amount of times. I know that Sutherland has admitted in press interviews that the intention (or one of the intentions) was to bring David back in a sequel. I realize there is a huge argument that the oryx horns are not wooden stakes so they wouldn’t have the same power on a vampire that a wooden stake would have.

HE’S. STILL. FUCKING. DEAD.

You know why? Here:

0356

0832

(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Up to and including his death scene, David is scruffy as hell. Dude’s been physically changed by becoming a vampire. I’m not talking just the crazy eyes and fangs while in game face. This is evidenced in the two photos above.

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0848a

 

(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Then we come to post… uh… horning? No, wait, death by horns? Maximum hornage? Whatever. Max comes in, immediately turns David’s face towards him… HEY LOOK, DAVID SOMEHOW SHAVED IN THE TEN MINUTES SINCE HE DIED??

No. He didn’t really have time or a razor. HE REVERTED IN DEATH TO HIS HUMAN STATE. As evidenced in the two photos above, totally smooth face. (Another aside: OH MY GOD, SO YOUNG. I can’t believe Sutherland is turning 50 in December.)

In conclusion: the supernatural tether that made David a vampire was severed by those oryx horns and he died. And further more, Max was also killed, doubly destroying the supernatural means through which David became a vampire. Ain’t no coming back from that, it’s over, people. Nothing to see. Move along.

Prosecution rests.

So, yes, I have a big fucking problem with the writers of the Vertigo comic series deciding to bring David back. I know I am a singular voice of dissension in the wilderness about this plot point. I fully realize that the casual fan or die-hard David fan is going to be all “fuck yeah!” over this turn of events.

No.

Is it that hard to come up with a new character? A new leader? (Okay, that could be true; look what we got in The Tribe, Shane the utter fuck up.) I get that a REVENGE plot line needs a catalyst and I suppose David is the most blatantly obvious choice (sigh) but… ugh…

And fuck, I just totally flipped my own argument because the REVENGE plot line wouldn’t work if David¬† didn’t come back. Which, in my opinion, is lame story telling. But there you have it. That’s EXACTLY WHY this film does not need sequels, comic books, or plot continuances. Besides, it’s all been done in fan fic a thousand and one times over by now.

Another small nit pick: STAR WAS NOT DAVID’S GIRLFRIEND. SHE WAS FUCKING BAIT TO PICK UP VICTIMS. SHE WAS A LURE TO GET MICHAEL INTO THE GANG.

Okay, so that’s Issue #1. Issue #2 is in the mail, and #3 & #4 will be released in Dec/Jan, respectively. Yes, I do fully intend to read this series. I already said I was a masochist. I realize this blog is pretty much not on any radar, since I never update it and seem to only use it to yell in capslock about things related to The Lost Boys. I would find it interesting if Tim Seeley (the writer) or anyone at Vertigo ever found this post, because I would love to know Mr Seeley’s reason for going with this story line.

I guess that’s it until next issue, which I should have in about a week or so…

 

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