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News flash: David the vampire is dead.

Eternally kicked the bucket, permanent dirt nap, not coming back, dead.

DEAD.

But, you know, one wouldn’t think so if you read Lost Boys fan fiction or the officially licensed comic book series.

Look, fan fic is one thing. I have written too much goddamn fan fic involving The Lost Boys. I, technically, am still writing it. (If I ever finish, then you’ll know I’m dead.) So that’s one thing. If you’re #TeamVampires you basically keep them “alive” through stories. We’ve been doing it since 1987, we’re not going to stop.

Officially licensed stories are another thing. Yes, if you’ve been anything more than a casual “I like that movie!” person, then you damn well know that Warner Bros. really wanted to make a sequel. But nothing really worked and various (dubious) scripts floated around Hollywood long before the internet became a real series of tubes. Hell, I’ve read a lot of those “scripts” and most of them are awful but that’s my opinion.

Then, nearly 20 years later we get handed a bullshit “sequel” that’s more a BULLSHIT REMAKE then sequel and I’ve already written a lot of words and wasted a lot of breath on Lost Boys: The Tribe so I’m not going there again. And because it was “popular” (read: people watched it because we tend to do that when given something set in a world we love – eg: Jurassic Park: The Lost World – didn’t mean we actually liked it!) Warner Bros saw $$$$! and okay’d a second “sequel”, which was better than The Tribe but genuinely awful in its own right. Like, please stop trying to let Corey Feldman act. It’s just sort of super sad now and I’m saying that as a fan of most of his early films.

And then there was the comic book, Reign of Frogs, that was supposed to “bridge the gap” between the original film and The Tribe. Which I have also wasted a lot of energy, time, and words on. Apparently not on this blog but I know it’s somewhere online.

Here’s the thing: the film is not outlandish in any shape or form. It asks you to suspend reality only a little, because its premise — a family moves to a new town and the eldest son falls in with a “strange” crowd, who just HAPPEN TO BE VAMPIRES — is very simple. It’s set in the real world, with very real ordinary people fighting against very supernatural things.

Reign of Frogs went way out in left field. And asked too much of its readers, crammed too many things, in that broke the reader’s ability to buy any of the story line. Not to mention it was just horrible. Sorry, it just was. I paid money for all four issues, I am allowed my opinion.

Now, just shy of the original film’s 30th anniversary, we’ve got ANOTHER comic series.

Vertigo’s The Lost Boys is (so far) a four-part series. I think it’s just four; it might be six? I don’t know, we’ll find out.

Issue #1 seems to pick up shortly (say, 6-months, tops?) after the film. The art is decent; nothing impressive but better than the art in Reign of Frogs. That’s a miracle.

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OKAY HERE’S WHERE WE ENTER SPOILER TERRITORY. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

***

Sam’s working at the comic shop. Lucy has taken over Max’s video rental store. Star and Laddie are living with the Emersons at Grandpa’s house.

Sounds entirely plausible.

Michael has a job working at a nursing home / care facility as a care giver.

…okay. Again, plausible. Why not.

Grandpa’s infamous line “The one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach: all the damn vampires.” again is in play, just as it was in Reign of Frogs, although in a different way.

Grandpa is a vampire slash supernatural creature hunter. There is a whole chapter of said hunters in Santa Carla, which he is leader (?) of. He is attempting to train the Frog Brothers to be hunters, because (as evidenced later on in the story) the chapter members are old and dying out, reluctant to bring in new members.

Yet again, plausible in a way that fits with the surprise twist at the end of the film. I’m okay with this.

Everybody is in the first issue. Sam, Michael, Star and Laddie, the Frog Brothers, Grandpa, I guess Lucy isn’t there but she’s name-checked by Sam. Hell, even Nanook makes the issue, in a hilarious scene.

So far so good, right? Right.

Well, so much for everything turning out okay. Something goes terribly wrong and tragic (sigh) and uh oh vampires are to blame once more because VAMPIRES and REVENGE and oh shit did I just say REVENGE?

Because only one person would want revenge in this game.

And, you see, he’s GODDAMN FUCKING DEAD AS A DOOR NAIL SO WHY IS HE DRAWN ON THE LAST PAGE??!

Yes. David is back. And apparently has decided turning dudes into vampires didn’t work, so lets go with all girls this time! Girl power, yo!

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Before I continue, an aside.

Long long ago, before some of you were even born, a script (or a fan-written script passed off to be an “official” script) was floating around the interwebs, entitled “The Lost Girls”. Now, there was probably a few versions of this, but I specifically remember reading one where there was four female vampires who were targeting Michael and Sam was trying to fight them off. And there was a scene involving the Giant Dipper roller coaster that always stuck in my head because it was a pretty intense scene, vampires flying in and out of the coaster’s cars while it’s careening around the track, and yeah.

THIS COMIC BOOK FEELS LIKE IT IS VERY MUCH PULLED FROM THAT “SCRIPT”.

If I could find the goddamn thing I would check it against this but fan sites die and stuff goes missing and I probably had it on a 3.5 floppy disc (which wasn’t even”floppy”, such a misnomer!) and hell if I know where that could be. Plus, computers these days don’t come with disk readers (although I have a USB one, natch; god I am so old.) so yeah.

As I was saying. David is dead. I have no problem writing those words because he fucking is. Dude died on Grandpa’s work bench, horns rammed through his chest, screaming like a little bitch till the end.

“But the horns missed his heart!” you say?

The fuck they did. I have looked at screen caps, I have looked at stills, I have slow-mo’d the death scene a ridiculous amount of times. I know that Sutherland has admitted in press interviews that the intention (or one of the intentions) was to bring David back in a sequel. I realize there is a huge argument that the oryx horns are not wooden stakes so they wouldn’t have the same power on a vampire that a wooden stake would have.

HE’S. STILL. FUCKING. DEAD.

You know why? Here:

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(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Up to and including his death scene, David is scruffy as hell. Dude’s been physically changed by becoming a vampire. I’m not talking just the crazy eyes and fangs while in game face. This is evidenced in the two photos above.

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(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Then we come to post… uh… horning? No, wait, death by horns? Maximum hornage? Whatever. Max comes in, immediately turns David’s face towards him… HEY LOOK, DAVID SOMEHOW SHAVED IN THE TEN MINUTES SINCE HE DIED??

No. He didn’t really have time or a razor. HE REVERTED IN DEATH TO HIS HUMAN STATE. As evidenced in the two photos above, totally smooth face. (Another aside: OH MY GOD, SO YOUNG. I can’t believe Sutherland is turning 50 in December.)

In conclusion: the supernatural tether that made David a vampire was severed by those oryx horns and he died. And further more, Max was also killed, doubly destroying the supernatural means through which David became a vampire. Ain’t no coming back from that, it’s over, people. Nothing to see. Move along.

Prosecution rests.

So, yes, I have a big fucking problem with the writers of the Vertigo comic series deciding to bring David back. I know I am a singular voice of dissension in the wilderness about this plot point. I fully realize that the casual fan or die-hard David fan is going to be all “fuck yeah!” over this turn of events.

No.

Is it that hard to come up with a new character? A new leader? (Okay, that could be true; look what we got in The Tribe, Shane the utter fuck up.) I get that a REVENGE plot line needs a catalyst and I suppose David is the most blatantly obvious choice (sigh) but… ugh…

And fuck, I just totally flipped my own argument because the REVENGE plot line wouldn’t work if David  didn’t come back. Which, in my opinion, is lame story telling. But there you have it. That’s EXACTLY WHY this film does not need sequels, comic books, or plot continuances. Besides, it’s all been done in fan fic a thousand and one times over by now.

Another small nit pick: STAR WAS NOT DAVID’S GIRLFRIEND. SHE WAS FUCKING BAIT TO PICK UP VICTIMS. SHE WAS A LURE TO GET MICHAEL INTO THE GANG.

Okay, so that’s Issue #1. Issue #2 is in the mail, and #3 & #4 will be released in Dec/Jan, respectively. Yes, I do fully intend to read this series. I already said I was a masochist. I realize this blog is pretty much not on any radar, since I never update it and seem to only use it to yell in capslock about things related to The Lost Boys. I would find it interesting if Tim Seeley (the writer) or anyone at Vertigo ever found this post, because I would love to know Mr Seeley’s reason for going with this story line.

I guess that’s it until next issue, which I should have in about a week or so…

 

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For those of you who haven’t remained hidden in a cave somewhere with your fingers jammed in your ears, singing “LA-LA-LA-LA!” at the top of your lungs trying to drown out any knowledge of the Lost Boys: The Tribe, please keep up the good work because I’m about to rain on your parade. Again.

Yes, Warner Bros, in their infinite wisdom, thought it would be a fantastic idea to make a third film in the Lost Boys franchise. Whether this was because they thought, “hey, The Tribe did awesome even though it was direct to DVD! We can cash in again!” or “We’ll try to appease the fans of the original this time by actually using BOTH Frog Brothers!” is anybody’s guess.

(My money would be on milking this supposed cash cow.)

Yup. A second train wreck whose only ties to the original film are: it’s about vampires and the Frog Brothers are in it.

Sure, The Tribe probably had more ties to the original film (um, those were Star and Michael’s offspring apparently, even though it was completely glossed over) and did feature 50% of the Frog Brothers and why the hell am I trying to defend that piece of crap… Moving on.

For the millions of you who didn’t read the 4-part comic series Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs, apparently you are going to be COMPLETELY CONFUSED by the beginning of The Thirst. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I did and oh goodie. A comic series that made NO GODDAMN SENSE and tried to peg Shane as basically David’s half brother (no, not really, more like David BIT HIM WHILE THEY ATTACKED THE SURF NAZIS and didn’t finish the job so Shane FED ON A SHARK and SURVIVED, TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE HIMSELF. Oh wait, did I just spoil that for everyone?) Oh, and apparently Grandpa was a vampire. Yeah, that part really pissed me off.

Where am I going with this… Oh, here, this is the synopsis of The Thirst:

“The thankless life of a vampire hunter has taken its toll on Edgar Frog. After losing best friend and fellow vamp fighter, Sam, he has started to let himself slide. He’s down to selling his prized comic book collection just to pay rent on a decrepit trailer when stunning vampire novelist Gwen approaches with an offer. She needs him to find her brother who has gone missing after getting sucked into a series of underground raves, called ‘The Gathering,’ held by an enigmatic spinner named DJ Dusk.

In a last, frantic message he mentioned being given a new party drug known as The Thirst, which turned out to be a mixture of ecstasy and vampire blood. Gwen shows Edgar a vile of the The Thirst, explaining DJ Dusk must be a head vampire and he’s using his parties to raise an undead army. With the last rave, ‘The Final Gathering,’ only days away Edgar must assemble a vamp-hunting team worthy of crashing the party, and hopes to include his reclusive brother who’s dealing with his own dark past. Before the battle is over Edgar will discover there is a greater evil at work and must face his most haunting fear.”

Watch the trailer:

Where do I begin to tear this apart? There’s so many options…

FIRSTLY: Does a pack of vampire ravers sucking on pacifiers really sound scary? What, they’re going to twirl glowsticks at me? C’mon.

To be perfectly honest, does Warner Bros bother to look into the online fandom based around The Lost Boys? Surely they haven’t, because they would find that it’s PRETTY MUCH BASED ON THE VAMPIRES! Not the Frog Brothers. (Okay, before people I know kick me, I know there are Frog Brother fans out there, I’m generalizing here.) So really, since you guys killed off the four sexy badasses in the original, why are you pissing all over the cult classic by trying to create a story out of nothing?

Oh yeah, because Corey Feldman is trying to keep his career alive. Right.

(An aside, just to say I happen to enjoy several of Feldman’s movies; like Stand By Me and The ‘burbs and The Goonies. But Hollywood doesn’t make original well-written films anymore.)

So, since you screwed up shit by making The Tribe in 2008, you think you can “fix” things by actually bringing back Jamison Newlander (aka Alan Frog) and making it about the Frog Brothers reuniting under an American flag and killing vampires again? (Um, did anyone else watch the excised footage showing Alan as a vampire? I guess not!) And because you chose to tack on the Sam Emerson is a VAMPIRE clip during the credits of The Tribe, you have conveniently given yourself an out to make Edgar depressed over the loss of his friend (um, I guess that means he staked Sam?) and therefore opens the door to this steaming pile of crap you call a “plot”?

And let’s see, I see references to the Blade franchise, The Matrix (which everything steals from since its release), and there’s something else but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It also looks like you got every ironic hipster you could find and shoved them in the film. And what the hell is with the vampire eyes/fangs? The ones used in The Tribe were pretty bad but do these ones even have fangs? Because they look like you just made EVERY tooth in their mouths into fangs. VAMPIRES AREN’T SHARKS!

There’s a point in every horror franchise where the film “jumps the shark”. But I guess that’s not enough, because now they’re beating it with a dead horse and filming sequels in South Africa of all freaking places! (Hell, The Tribe was filmed in Canada, so I guess North America is just too expensive to use at this point.)

You know what, Warner Bros? Fine. Continue to “cash in” on this cult classic. Nothing the fans say or do will stop you at this point. And unfortunately, in the midst of this Twilight-induced haze, vampires are hot property right now and I’m sure some twits will rent The Thirst. And maybe even like it.

But the fans of the original will never forget this. I will continue to write posts as I have done to warn people about these pathetic excuses for “sequels”. Until you stop bothering or no longer find the franchise to be quite a money maker.

PS: What happened to Edgar’s “badass” neck tattoo? Did someone forget their continuity? Because I doubt he could afford to have laser removal.

PSx2: If you would like to read my previous posts about The Tribe, please click here and here.

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