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News flash: David the vampire is dead.

Eternally kicked the bucket, permanent dirt nap, not coming back, dead.

DEAD.

But, you know, one wouldn’t think so if you read Lost Boys fan fiction or the officially licensed comic book series.

Look, fan fic is one thing. I have written too much goddamn fan fic involving The Lost Boys. I, technically, am still writing it. (If I ever finish, then you’ll know I’m dead.) So that’s one thing. If you’re #TeamVampires you basically keep them “alive” through stories. We’ve been doing it since 1987, we’re not going to stop.

Officially licensed stories are another thing. Yes, if you’ve been anything more than a casual “I like that movie!” person, then you damn well know that Warner Bros. really wanted to make a sequel. But nothing really worked and various (dubious) scripts floated around Hollywood long before the internet became a real series of tubes. Hell, I’ve read a lot of those “scripts” and most of them are awful but that’s my opinion.

Then, nearly 20 years later we get handed a bullshit “sequel” that’s more a BULLSHIT REMAKE then sequel and I’ve already written a lot of words and wasted a lot of breath on Lost Boys: The Tribe so I’m not going there again. And because it was “popular” (read: people watched it because we tend to do that when given something set in a world we love – eg: Jurassic Park: The Lost World – didn’t mean we actually liked it!) Warner Bros saw $$$$! and okay’d a second “sequel”, which was better than The Tribe but genuinely awful in its own right. Like, please stop trying to let Corey Feldman act. It’s just sort of super sad now and I’m saying that as a fan of most of his early films.

And then there was the comic book, Reign of Frogs, that was supposed to “bridge the gap” between the original film and The Tribe. Which I have also wasted a lot of energy, time, and words on. Apparently not on this blog but I know it’s somewhere online.

Here’s the thing: the film is not outlandish in any shape or form. It asks you to suspend reality only a little, because its premise — a family moves to a new town and the eldest son falls in with a “strange” crowd, who just HAPPEN TO BE VAMPIRES — is very simple. It’s set in the real world, with very real ordinary people fighting against very supernatural things.

Reign of Frogs went way out in left field. And asked too much of its readers, crammed too many things, in that broke the reader’s ability to buy any of the story line. Not to mention it was just horrible. Sorry, it just was. I paid money for all four issues, I am allowed my opinion.

Now, just shy of the original film’s 30th anniversary, we’ve got ANOTHER comic series.

Vertigo’s The Lost Boys is (so far) a four-part series. I think it’s just four; it might be six? I don’t know, we’ll find out.

Issue #1 seems to pick up shortly (say, 6-months, tops?) after the film. The art is decent; nothing impressive but better than the art in Reign of Frogs. That’s a miracle.

***

 

 

OKAY HERE’S WHERE WE ENTER SPOILER TERRITORY. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

***

Sam’s working at the comic shop. Lucy has taken over Max’s video rental store. Star and Laddie are living with the Emersons at Grandpa’s house.

Sounds entirely plausible.

Michael has a job working at a nursing home / care facility as a care giver.

…okay. Again, plausible. Why not.

Grandpa’s infamous line “The one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach: all the damn vampires.” again is in play, just as it was in Reign of Frogs, although in a different way.

Grandpa is a vampire slash supernatural creature hunter. There is a whole chapter of said hunters in Santa Carla, which he is leader (?) of. He is attempting to train the Frog Brothers to be hunters, because (as evidenced later on in the story) the chapter members are old and dying out, reluctant to bring in new members.

Yet again, plausible in a way that fits with the surprise twist at the end of the film. I’m okay with this.

Everybody is in the first issue. Sam, Michael, Star and Laddie, the Frog Brothers, Grandpa, I guess Lucy isn’t there but she’s name-checked by Sam. Hell, even Nanook makes the issue, in a hilarious scene.

So far so good, right? Right.

Well, so much for everything turning out okay. Something goes terribly wrong and tragic (sigh) and uh oh vampires are to blame once more because VAMPIRES and REVENGE and oh shit did I just say REVENGE?

Because only one person would want revenge in this game.

And, you see, he’s GODDAMN FUCKING DEAD AS A DOOR NAIL SO WHY IS HE DRAWN ON THE LAST PAGE??!

Yes. David is back. And apparently has decided turning dudes into vampires didn’t work, so lets go with all girls this time! Girl power, yo!

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Before I continue, an aside.

Long long ago, before some of you were even born, a script (or a fan-written script passed off to be an “official” script) was floating around the interwebs, entitled “The Lost Girls”. Now, there was probably a few versions of this, but I specifically remember reading one where there was four female vampires who were targeting Michael and Sam was trying to fight them off. And there was a scene involving the Giant Dipper roller coaster that always stuck in my head because it was a pretty intense scene, vampires flying in and out of the coaster’s cars while it’s careening around the track, and yeah.

THIS COMIC BOOK FEELS LIKE IT IS VERY MUCH PULLED FROM THAT “SCRIPT”.

If I could find the goddamn thing I would check it against this but fan sites die and stuff goes missing and I probably had it on a 3.5 floppy disc (which wasn’t even”floppy”, such a misnomer!) and hell if I know where that could be. Plus, computers these days don’t come with disk readers (although I have a USB one, natch; god I am so old.) so yeah.

As I was saying. David is dead. I have no problem writing those words because he fucking is. Dude died on Grandpa’s work bench, horns rammed through his chest, screaming like a little bitch till the end.

“But the horns missed his heart!” you say?

The fuck they did. I have looked at screen caps, I have looked at stills, I have slow-mo’d the death scene a ridiculous amount of times. I know that Sutherland has admitted in press interviews that the intention (or one of the intentions) was to bring David back in a sequel. I realize there is a huge argument that the oryx horns are not wooden stakes so they wouldn’t have the same power on a vampire that a wooden stake would have.

HE’S. STILL. FUCKING. DEAD.

You know why? Here:

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(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Up to and including his death scene, David is scruffy as hell. Dude’s been physically changed by becoming a vampire. I’m not talking just the crazy eyes and fangs while in game face. This is evidenced in the two photos above.

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(images borrowed from The Lost Cave)

Then we come to post… uh… horning? No, wait, death by horns? Maximum hornage? Whatever. Max comes in, immediately turns David’s face towards him… HEY LOOK, DAVID SOMEHOW SHAVED IN THE TEN MINUTES SINCE HE DIED??

No. He didn’t really have time or a razor. HE REVERTED IN DEATH TO HIS HUMAN STATE. As evidenced in the two photos above, totally smooth face. (Another aside: OH MY GOD, SO YOUNG. I can’t believe Sutherland is turning 50 in December.)

In conclusion: the supernatural tether that made David a vampire was severed by those oryx horns and he died. And further more, Max was also killed, doubly destroying the supernatural means through which David became a vampire. Ain’t no coming back from that, it’s over, people. Nothing to see. Move along.

Prosecution rests.

So, yes, I have a big fucking problem with the writers of the Vertigo comic series deciding to bring David back. I know I am a singular voice of dissension in the wilderness about this plot point. I fully realize that the casual fan or die-hard David fan is going to be all “fuck yeah!” over this turn of events.

No.

Is it that hard to come up with a new character? A new leader? (Okay, that could be true; look what we got in The Tribe, Shane the utter fuck up.) I get that a REVENGE plot line needs a catalyst and I suppose David is the most blatantly obvious choice (sigh) but… ugh…

And fuck, I just totally flipped my own argument because the REVENGE plot line wouldn’t work if DavidĀ  didn’t come back. Which, in my opinion, is lame story telling. But there you have it. That’s EXACTLY WHY this film does not need sequels, comic books, or plot continuances. Besides, it’s all been done in fan fic a thousand and one times over by now.

Another small nit pick: STAR WAS NOT DAVID’S GIRLFRIEND. SHE WAS FUCKING BAIT TO PICK UP VICTIMS. SHE WAS A LURE TO GET MICHAEL INTO THE GANG.

Okay, so that’s Issue #1. Issue #2 is in the mail, and #3 & #4 will be released in Dec/Jan, respectively. Yes, I do fully intend to read this series. I already said I was a masochist. I realize this blog is pretty much not on any radar, since I never update it and seem to only use it to yell in capslock about things related to The Lost Boys. I would find it interesting if Tim Seeley (the writer) or anyone at Vertigo ever found this post, because I would love to know Mr Seeley’s reason for going with this story line.

I guess that’s it until next issue, which I should have in about a week or so…

 

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