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For those of you who haven’t remained hidden in a cave somewhere with your fingers jammed in your ears, singing “LA-LA-LA-LA!” at the top of your lungs trying to drown out any knowledge of the Lost Boys: The Tribe, please keep up the good work because I’m about to rain on your parade. Again.

Yes, Warner Bros, in their infinite wisdom, thought it would be a fantastic idea to make a third film in the Lost Boys franchise. Whether this was because they thought, “hey, The Tribe did awesome even though it was direct to DVD! We can cash in again!” or “We’ll try to appease the fans of the original this time by actually using BOTH Frog Brothers!” is anybody’s guess.

(My money would be on milking this supposed cash cow.)

Yup. A second train wreck whose only ties to the original film are: it’s about vampires and the Frog Brothers are in it.

Sure, The Tribe probably had more ties to the original film (um, those were Star and Michael’s offspring apparently, even though it was completely glossed over) and did feature 50% of the Frog Brothers and why the hell am I trying to defend that piece of crap… Moving on.

For the millions of you who didn’t read the 4-part comic series Lost Boys: Reign of Frogs, apparently you are going to be COMPLETELY CONFUSED by the beginning of The Thirst. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I did and oh goodie. A comic series that made NO GODDAMN SENSE and tried to peg Shane as basically David’s half brother (no, not really, more like David BIT HIM WHILE THEY ATTACKED THE SURF NAZIS and didn’t finish the job so Shane FED ON A SHARK and SURVIVED, TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE HIMSELF. Oh wait, did I just spoil that for everyone?) Oh, and apparently Grandpa was a vampire. Yeah, that part really pissed me off.

Where am I going with this… Oh, here, this is the synopsis of The Thirst:

“The thankless life of a vampire hunter has taken its toll on Edgar Frog. After losing best friend and fellow vamp fighter, Sam, he has started to let himself slide. He’s down to selling his prized comic book collection just to pay rent on a decrepit trailer when stunning vampire novelist Gwen approaches with an offer. She needs him to find her brother who has gone missing after getting sucked into a series of underground raves, called ‘The Gathering,’ held by an enigmatic spinner named DJ Dusk.

In a last, frantic message he mentioned being given a new party drug known as The Thirst, which turned out to be a mixture of ecstasy and vampire blood. Gwen shows Edgar a vile of the The Thirst, explaining DJ Dusk must be a head vampire and he’s using his parties to raise an undead army. With the last rave, ‘The Final Gathering,’ only days away Edgar must assemble a vamp-hunting team worthy of crashing the party, and hopes to include his reclusive brother who’s dealing with his own dark past. Before the battle is over Edgar will discover there is a greater evil at work and must face his most haunting fear.”

Watch the trailer:

Where do I begin to tear this apart? There’s so many options…

FIRSTLY: Does a pack of vampire ravers sucking on pacifiers really sound scary? What, they’re going to twirl glowsticks at me? C’mon.

To be perfectly honest, does Warner Bros bother to look into the online fandom based around The Lost Boys? Surely they haven’t, because they would find that it’s PRETTY MUCH BASED ON THE VAMPIRES! Not the Frog Brothers. (Okay, before people I know kick me, I know there are Frog Brother fans out there, I’m generalizing here.) So really, since you guys killed off the four sexy badasses in the original, why are you pissing all over the cult classic by trying to create a story out of nothing?

Oh yeah, because Corey Feldman is trying to keep his career alive. Right.

(An aside, just to say I happen to enjoy several of Feldman’s movies; like Stand By Me and The ‘burbs and The Goonies. But Hollywood doesn’t make original well-written films anymore.)

So, since you screwed up shit by making The Tribe in 2008, you think you can “fix” things by actually bringing back Jamison Newlander (aka Alan Frog) and making it about the Frog Brothers reuniting under an American flag and killing vampires again? (Um, did anyone else watch the excised footage showing Alan as a vampire? I guess not!) And because you chose to tack on the Sam Emerson is a VAMPIRE clip during the credits of The Tribe, you have conveniently given yourself an out to make Edgar depressed over the loss of his friend (um, I guess that means he staked Sam?) and therefore opens the door to this steaming pile of crap you call a “plot”?

And let’s see, I see references to the Blade franchise, The Matrix (which everything steals from since its release), and there’s something else but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It also looks like you got every ironic hipster you could find and shoved them in the film. And what the hell is with the vampire eyes/fangs? The ones used in The Tribe were pretty bad but do these ones even have fangs? Because they look like you just made EVERY tooth in their mouths into fangs. VAMPIRES AREN’T SHARKS!

There’s a point in every horror franchise where the film “jumps the shark”. But I guess that’s not enough, because now they’re beating it with a dead horse and filming sequels in South Africa of all freaking places! (Hell, The Tribe was filmed in Canada, so I guess North America is just too expensive to use at this point.)

You know what, Warner Bros? Fine. Continue to “cash in” on this cult classic. Nothing the fans say or do will stop you at this point. And unfortunately, in the midst of this Twilight-induced haze, vampires are hot property right now and I’m sure some twits will rent The Thirst. And maybe even like it.

But the fans of the original will never forget this. I will continue to write posts as I have done to warn people about these pathetic excuses for “sequels”. Until you stop bothering or no longer find the franchise to be quite a money maker.

PS: What happened to Edgar’s “badass” neck tattoo? Did someone forget their continuity? Because I doubt he could afford to have laser removal.

PSx2: If you would like to read my previous posts about The Tribe, please click here and here.

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